Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2002-02-28 23:14:09 (UTC)

Yes, Trying went away for awhile...

But anyways...

*sighs inwardly* Mother speaks as if the world has ended,
all is lost, and shes going to give up and give us to
Father. She claims she cant survive this any more, cant
keep tracking my father, cant go another 7 months without
support as we track him down and make a feeble attempt at
what is commonly called life, meanwhile i hide away in the
sweet recluse called my bedroom, away from all the
suffering and pain until i come online only to read of it
in fathers emails, or lately lack of, and focus on one of
the few things that keeps blood pumping through my veins-
Matt. Ive spent the past few days locked up hiding away in
books, but its not working... reality is starting to seep
in behind the lies... my haggard look at school is starting
to show... im always sick, or perhaps its because its
allergy season and I happen to be the worst sufferer
ever... *sighs lightly again* I am almost tempted to write
Father an email about this, show through all those lies he
so recklessly spews onto a page, thick and choking words
and false promises, reeking of lies, but in my heart i want
to believe what he says is true, though my head constantly
denies it. Or perhaps the voice of my conscience is no
longer God but my mother, commanding my life as she has
before... i caught myself today saying, 'i wish mrs lussier
was my mom. she seems so understanding about temperments
and the way things work...' but i realized she would
probably be controlling and perhaps too assuming because of
that knowledge she does posess... we talked about
personalities and conflicts... one of the few things about
life i do understand. I knwo people, i study them, watch
their moves, get to know them to the point i can
practically read their thoughts... because Im a loner. Im
destined to be on the outside of everything... though i
long and long to fit in i never will because its my
destiny... Of course, you know I lie, there are places I
fit in, friends and one special love that hold my heart
captive and keep me safe, and a God that watches over me
and protects me even when I refuse him... I pray for his
protection...


I really miss you matt. *HUG* I love you.

Mary, will, i love you too




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