AnyLife

Goodbye Me
2002-02-28 22:11:27 (UTC)

Mildly Amused

I'm going through all my junk e-mail...and I come across
one from my-diary.org and I'm kind of curious so I actually
read it before I delete it. Apparently I set up a diary
and I never started writing in it. What the hell...now's
as good of time as any, I suppose.
I'm home alone and unmotivated again today. I need to get
a job because this is getting old. Don't get me wrong, I
go out every other day or so and fill out 2-5 applications
and check in with other companies I've applied at. It's
ridiculous how hard this has been. My savings has long run
out and I'm quickly running out of help. This, of course,
has not at all helped my depressive episodes. I'm normal
maybe two days out of the month, manic maybe four...but the
rest are struggles to even get out of bed. I'm trying
something new starting today. I feel really dumb that I
didn't think of it sooner, but it makes a lot of sense. It
started getting really bad around 8 months ago...what
happened around that time that was significantly different
from before? The only thing I've been able to think of is
I met Barry...but I couldn't fit together how the man who
makes me happier than anyone I've even met in my life and
inspires feelings of more love than I've ever had for
anyone could make me so depressed--I wouldn't accept that
as the answer. What I thought of yesterday, though, was
what behaivior changed with meeting Barry was that I
started smoking more--bud and cigarettes--much, much more
than I had. So today is my first experiment day. My goal
is two cigarettes and two bowls. I'm at one each right now
and I've got ten hours to go.