Insensitive Kitten

...ran along many moores, walked through many doors...

"No where to go...I can't wake up late...I dial the wrong
number...hope a conversation starts"

Ramble ramble ramble.....*cough*..."Hey Packman...what's
up? Me you bitches...I'm high on crack."

The shit I listen to...it's no wonder I'm so fucked up.

But anyway...tonight a kick-ass movie is supposed to be
on...it's about this girl who's constantly mad and she
beats the shit out of her parents.

Interesting.

I'm gonna tape it.

All last night I was on "cutting" sites....and some of the
info there was bullshit from people who've never cut in
their lives....and some of it was worth reading.

I had never known anyone or read about anyone who needed to
cut so bad that they flipped out and shook like
crazy...like I had once. But it was in this one story so I
felt somewhat relieved...I like not being the only fucked
up person in the world.

Lately I've been obsessing though...my thoughts are filled
with blood and analyzing which parts of my body are usefull
for what....like if you cut your thigh it's gonna take
longer to make bleed but it scars better.....your lower leg
is better for blood and so is the ankle...the foot is
almost impossible to get a scar on or much blood from and
it's about as annoying as a paper cut. The fingers heal too
fast and the palms of your hands can be almost
spirtitual....the arms bleed just as good as the lower leg
and the upper arm scars well...the stomach is a whole
different thing...i didn't enjoy cutting.

Yes I have cut in all these places.

Then I tried counting my scars.....got near 50 and stopped.

There's this thing...it's like a no-sting anti bacterial
spray for cuts.

When I saw the commercial I was amazed...and I obsessed
over it all day...I don't know why...I can picture myself
putting that on my cuts and totting it around with me....

I never clean my cuts when I'm done nor does it matter if I
use a clean object while cutting.

Just the whole idea of actually cleaning it and taking care
of it.....it's surreal....

I sound insane to somebody who doesn't understand...and I'm
fully aware....but hey this is life....and believe it or
not...there are many many cutters worse off then me.

I'm not even considered really bad cos my cut count isn't
even 100 yet and I've never been hospitalized for it
(suggestions from pychologists to go there don't count
unless you're forced)....or burned (just yet).

I wonder what it's like to be the "ultimate cutter"

To have cut, burned, hit, been hospitalized, and even
needed stiches.....

it's like when an anorexic sees a super thin girl thats
been annorexic and bulimic for so long her bones will
always show no matter what she eats....it's like...she's
won the game over herself.

I'm back at the stage where im slightly proud of my cuts
again...I'm walking around the house not even bothering
with bandaids and pracitcally showing them off.

Yea...I creep myself out sometimes...

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