Guava

It's been a while

I guess it's getting to that time of the month. No, not my
period and PMS, but that time when I feel depressed. my big
paper is due on Monday. John is coming over this weekend.
I need to write another 8 pages or so to finish it up. That
is not getting me down.

I have a project due tomorrow that I need to finish up.
It's mostly done, but I need to add a couple pieces to it.
That isn't anything major and it isn't getting me down either.

I don't quite know what it is. Dave had a date tonight. He
says it didn't go as well as planned. I feel bad for him
and hope he can find someone. When he went to bed tonight I
wished him pleasant dreams. Then I wondered what sort of
things he would be dreaming about tonight. Hopefully all
good dreams though.

I want everyone to get together in a few weeks when I'm
home. I was thinking we ought to go clubbing or something.
That might not fly though because Jay's girl isn't 21 yet.
We could go to some club that's 18 and up, but where's the
fun in that?

i've asked everyone to invite new people. Making new
friends is always fun! And they're pre-screened by my
friends. It makes things easy.

I'm feeling really out of it right now. Like there's
something missing. Dave went to visit his grandpa this
weekend because he's getting sick again. When we were
chatting about it I was talking about all that happend last
year. It was hard to talk about the deaths that happened.
I wanted to cry and almost did a few times while typing.

I feel so alone in this world in some ways. I'm super happy
to have John. He's amazing! This weekend I'm taking him
out to dinner. It's a surprise for him since he took me out
and wouldn't tell me where we were going. He had told John,
Jay and some other people. So, to get him back, I told Dave
where we are going. Now I just need to put my plan into action.

The past couple of days I've been cold. Like phyiscially
cold I think. Unless it's a very real mental thing. I turn
up the heat and it starts to help, but it never really does.
It's like a cold of fear.

I suppose it's fear of telling my parents that I didn't do
as well in history as I could have. Fear of stepping out of
my shell. Fear of the future that I don't know anything
about. I want to curl up and make it all go away for a
while. I want to crawl deep inside myself and not come out
till I'm good and ready. Too bad I can't really do that.

I'll find something to keep me happy for a while. Then the
wierd internal feelings will hide for a while. In a month
or so they will come back. They'll haunt me for a few days
until I can find something to make me happy.

Until then I will try to get on with my life. There is so
much to do and so little time. I want to do so much before
I graduate college and have to go out into the real world.
I'm scared to have a real life with real responsibilites and
real issues to deal with.