Spyderman of this century

the story
2002-02-28 06:24:11 (UTC)

cutting myself w/ a dull knife, slowly

recently i have began to say things, that i dont think i
mean, last night i wrote soem things that i diddnt mean,
for several reasons. first of all, i was drunk. i sat here
w/ hair dye in my hair, and several empty beer cans in
front of me. it was a long night. everything i said about
me putting the jeep in the ditch was true. but i think some
things may have been typed wrongly because of my sheer
incopotence. on that note, im not really asking for a
second chance from anyone, because i know i will never get
it, not because of anything big, just that there arent
fellings there for that. and im not so sure i have those
feelings anymore. a friend kinda put it all into
perspective for me tonight. i've always been spoiled, not
by my parents, grandparents, or anything like that, but by
myself. and while often times i am a "big Brother"
sometimes i over do it, and just become an overprotective
bastard. i dont mean too, and i dont like doing it, but the
vast majority of the times i dont realize i am doing it. as
for point number two as to waht i started off saying.
another girl that i had been talking to, and talked alot to
yesterday, started dating some one, that some one is some
one i dont care for myself. but i think that between that
and some other things, mostly just talk between some of my
closer friends, which consists of about 2 people, ive
realized that dating wise, im extremely pathetic. ok, so
ive "seen" and "dated" a few girls, but thats it. out of
all the poeple i hang out w/ during the week i happen to be
the only virgin. yes thats what i said, im a 19 year old
male, and im a virgin. now some of you are going to
say"thats not pathetic". but u dont know me, so shut yer
yapper. out of the majority of my peeps, i definetley
shouldnt be the virgin, i mean some of the kids are losers.
adn yes, a lot of people are proud of the fact that they
are virgins, but im not. its not like i've never had the
oppertunity, i have, but i dont know what the hell my
problem is. i know im not the best looking kid in the
world, in fact im prolly right down there near the bottom,
but i know kids that are a lot uglier than me that are
getting laid. but sex isnt even what its all about. if i
met soem one that i liked, i dont need sex. sex wouldnt
even be a factor, but its one of those things that would be
nice to know i could get, should i need it. i realize that
throught the course of this year so far, ive made a few
people feel like absolute shit, soemtimes on purpose, but i
always regret it, and i regret it now. and to those
people, "I'm Sorry, I truly am"