life as it is
2002-02-28 04:19:37 (UTC)

new day, same old life

its past 11, i just got back from a play with various other
FCD US history students. It sucked. Life has become so
mundane, nothing ever changes. I find myself passing the
days, hoping they will go by faster. I now wonder why i
squander time to wastefully. I sit through class hoping for
each day to pass faster than the one before it, not
thinking of how i can never get those days back. I can
never have a single second back, except for the waning
memory, diluted and convoluted by an imaginative, hopeful,
yet ever depressed human mind. Its like Fitzgerald
wrote.."romance exists, not in the present but in the..." i
dont remember the exact quote but basically in the
romanticised and exaggerated past and in the ever pressing
hope for the future. It is those things, the beautiful
memories of a past we can never go back to that spurn the
hopeful desires of a future that may never be, that drive
us to keep live that one more day. That one more
day theory is the very bread-and-water that my soul has
been barely survivng off of for years it seems, and i dont
know how long it can go before starving. T kinda scared me
last night when he talked about how he was getting sick of
just giving it one more day. maybe its different for him,
but for me thats all i have left. Other people confuse me.
J couldnt forgive me for an innocent mistake and this also
perplexed me. Perhaps I'm too forgiving, I used to see it
as a blessing that no matter what someone did to me, if
they were my friend and they were sorry any human error
could be overlooked in light of all hapiness i had shared
with that person. I can not think of a single friend who
has not done something to hurt me or betray my trust in one
way or another - intentionally or not. But i cant think of
someone i considered dear to me who i have not forgivin
within days. Is that wrong? should i be more hard? am i
becoming a doormat? It doesnt matter. Now, I wish that i
had not squandered time so, or maybe I wish i could just
change the past. Not worry over such unimportant matters as
whether or not my hair was just right, or whether i had
answered a homework question correctly, but worried about
mroe important things - things that were very trivial which
are no gone from me. My family, some of my friends, my
childhood, my innocence, my hapiness, the only real love
i've ever known, and in many ways my future. Oh what silly
people we are.