humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-02-27 22:21:28 (UTC)

am i crazy..someone tell me?

ok so yeah i had found out that jason might have been going
to eastern for this weekend when turnabout is saturday and
since im not going becuz of him!!!!!!! he told me that he
would hang out with me but oh if he is at eastern how is he
spose to hang out with me but yeah then thank god that he
isnt going i am sooooooooo happy u have no idea but then
yeah whatev he didnt call me monday which slightly pissed
me off becuz OH!!!!, he can fuck me one day and then the next
day not talk to me or call me....i mean maybe its just me
but that doesnt fly..... and yeah so i called him last night and we
ended up getting into a fight... big fucking suprise right ,nothing
new.. once again about he whole zero thing and i said
sometihng along the lines of "nothin is gonna happen between
me and robby becuz i dont want anything to happen and we r
only friends and that that is all we'll ever be" and he goes
"oh well i'll have to think about that" ...think about it?
think about it?!?!?! what the fuck is there to think
about...NOTHING ...ummm right and i go "what do u maen" and he
goes "i just dont know if i believe u yet"... and i go ok....
im like "you have to think so damn hard about us going out
but u dont have to think for one second about us having
sex now do u?!" and he like had no idea what to say to that i was
like riiiiight that was a damn good point wasnt it...ummmm
yes!!!! and he goes "ok well sunday we were high" and i was
like "umm not when we had sex we werent u stupid ass cuz you cant get
it up when ur high remember!?!?!? and what about the weekend
before? whats ur excuse for that one?" and he goes "we were trying to
patch things up"...patch things up?!?!?!...well we're not going out
right now are we? NO we're not so ur lil patching thing sucked ass,
apparently didnt work to well did it? and that is a pretty
shitty way to patch things up.... and then he tells me that
i blame everything on everyone else and riiiiight i am
taking full responsibility for the whole zero thing ... i'm
facing up to the consequences like i have been for the past
like 3 weex...all i would have to do is be like ok jason
buh bye i'm done with u and it would be buh bye
consequences but NO becuz i know i made a mistake. and god
thru-out this whole thing i am like constantly telling
myself all these stupid lil things to try to make myself
feel better about it all and my friends r constantly saying
"hes such an asshole forget about him" and i dont want to
believe that he is an asshole but he keeps proving them
right over and over again... i bet right baout now ur thinking what
the hell is wrong with this girl why doesnt she just totally 86 him?
ya know give him the boot? and hnoestly i couldnt tell ya... i'm
weird like that, if he stopped fricken telling me he liekd me i woudl
let go of him but he keeps saying shit like that he still likes me
and i dont want to let him go and then regret it u know and u know
what i dont get... i dont understand what it is that he doesnt
believe... i have apologized to him a million times but i mean it
wouldnt have happened if we were going out but we werent
going out and it did happen and i wish i could take it back
but i cant and it doesnt seem to matter if i apologize ONCE
or a THOUSAND times becuz he doesnt seem to care and yet i
keep trying and he was like mad at me last night for
bringing anything up but he always use to tell me if
anything was bothering me he wanted me to talk to him about
it so when the hell did that change may i ask?!?!?! and all that
i want out of this kid is an answer, i need to know if "we"
are gonna happen again or not becuz if not then i need
closure and he cant tell me "i dont know" becuz he hates it
when i tell him that so he cant do it to me becuz "i dont
know" leaves me at a 50/50 position and if it ends up us not
getting back together then he just wasted so much of MY
time... becuz i know that if thats how it ends then i am
gonna take a while to get over him and the sooner i know
the more time i have to do that and the longer he drags
this out the harder it is gonna be on me... becuz oh
nothing is hard on him oh no no no... UGH whatev i just
needed to vent again ...later..........julz