the wanderer

doo-hickey nonsense
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2002-02-27 12:08:56 (UTC)

Fabricated Motivation

If I ever start a band, that title would be a strong
contender for an album name.

Every once in a while, I sit back and wonder, as I do too
much, what is it that truly drives people. All I can do
inside my head, is try to imagine the contrast to what isn't
driving me. For me, I can honestly say that I don't want to
ever marry, and I don't want to ever be a father. With that
being said, what do I have to look forward to, or to strive
for in my life? I don't have an addictive personality,
therefore I have no addictions to support. I'm not attached
to any material items, so the amount of money I rake in is
of no importance. These three facts give me almost no
reason to pursue higher education. Since the majority of the
people in this world are in accordance to at least one of
the opposite of the previous three facts, they automatically
have purpose. Now that I think about it, I'm probably more
stronger internally than most people, by seeing it necessary
to remain sane, honest, kind, healthy, alive, with the
absence of purpose.

It's kinda funny, as my theory on birth names forging
life's path comes to mind. With this emptiness I find it
ironic how the name Wade means "wanderer", because after
all, all I can do is "wander" on through life looking for a
reason, or waiting for one or it to find me. Damn people and
their theories.

I amaze myself how I can be so internally pessimistic
while at the same time be relentless with external warmth.

A metaphor arose in relation to how my mind works while
watching "The Matrix" the other night. This was probably the
ninth time watching this movie, but not until the last did I
discover this personal comparison. For years, I'd say to
myself "Why can't you be more gullable?" or "I wish I wasn't
as smart as I was", that last one in relation to how I
question everything in my head, how I analyze everything to
death, basically deep thinking that I wished were shallow at
times to be able to pull off thoughtless acts that were
taking place at every angle around me throughout my entire
life, that made me feel out of place for not being able to
do. Anyway, the line was somewhere along the lines of Neo
saying, "I can't go back can I?", and Morpheus responding
with "No. But if you could, would you really want to?". Now
from this I saw the relation between my deep thinking and the
shallow thinking of most everyone around me. If I had the
impossible chance to transform into another mindset, would I
actually take it? Ever since this realization, I've actually
felt better, in that, meaning I no longer bash myself for who
I am as much as I used to.

Maybe my purpose is to inform. Often I find myself relating
to lyrics, poems, speeches, literature, and dialogue from
films. Rarely do I relate to opinions or notions coming from
family members, friends, or acquaintances. Since people are
so occupied with making an everyday living, often their
forms of entertainment come from whatever's most accessible.
Maybe that's why there's more relations on a personal level
with artists and entertainers with me than the people I'm
around on a regular basis, because people like me out there
are in that line of business. Ya never know...