CiennaLarylle

Alrighty

Okay, looking back at my last entry I realised that I
should have stayed a pussy. I ended up telling my best
friend how I feel about him. Shit, what the fuck was I
thinking. stupid me.

But first, Last week a friend of mine died(I'm not getting
into it), this promted me to grab life by the
balls . . .wrong thing to do. Especially when I was on my
last emotional straw, hich is now gone.

Well this is how things went . . .

I hung out with another friend and then dropped her off,
went to a play ground to swing, as I would rather do that
then go home. Then I call my love interest/best friend. He
comes and we play on the play ground for a while. We try
and find anything to do. So we play the straight right or
left game in the car. We end up at the beach, I'm a fuck
and head and wanted to walk around. . . goddamn that was
cold. We picked up a mutual friend and we sat in my van
and talked, then gbrought her to a "Bicks" night and said
our 'allos then left for the movie. We saw "Queen of the
Damned". Good movie, I think.

Well we left the movie and I was bringing him home and all
of a sudden I said, "I need to go for a drive and your
going with me."

Eventaully I said. "I feel like I have been lying to you".
Of course he was all dumbfounded as he had no clue where I
was coming from. Eventaully I didn't tell him why so he
started quessing as to the reason i felt this way. Adter a
few tries he jokingly says. "You're in love with me aren't
you". My answer was eihter, "You got it" or "Somehting
like that", I don't remember which anymore.

He was astonished he was joking after all and had no
conception that I had been harbouring feeling for him. I
knew that wasn't a good sign. So for the next half hour we
talk, he says that he doesn't think it will help our
relationship in anyway. I told him that if he didn't see
me in that way it was kewl and he had to say no no I do
your sexy. This was just the wrong thing to say the
preceeds to tell me that he doesn't want to have him saying
no hurt me. Okay I can see that, but we kept talking and
eventually we started to talk to eachother like stangers
and that started t make me worry as to whether I had
irrevicably hurt our friendship. He told me that it hadn't
and he would only be uncomfortable if I would. That wasn't
very comforting.

So we talk more and things get increasingly uncomfortable.
I eventaully take him home. Before he gets out of the car
he asks for a hug. *twich* didn't want to give him one
wasn't quite comfy with it. Then as he is standing in the
door he says, "don't worry this won't change our
relationship I wont let it, don't worry". Of couse I
didn't worry right, fuck yea I did that didn't help at
all. So it takes all my strength to get around the corner
and then I start balling my eyees out.

I called up some friends and finally one of them could meet
me at bickfords. Of course all of my other friends HAD to
be there. So we got a booth by ourselves and talked then
some friends came over to consol me and stuff then left
then Bithy another really good friend stayed after nik left
(the friend who met me at bicks). She ended up leaving
around 2 am and then 2 other frineds who were there looked
around a plant and simultaneously said, "aren't you going
to join us?" meh that scared me alot. I joined them told
them what had happened and then talked about other things.

At 3 am I left for my house, that night of sleep SUCKED. I
don't even know if I really got any.

So yea that last straw burst into brilliantly colored
flames.

But I am feeling better now. I think.

I jsut wish I could get a time machine and reverse what I
have done. I don't think it was a good idea at all to tell
him.

He hasn't called me like he said he would, and I don't
think he will. I fucked up a perfectly good friendship.
But when you hold fellings in for that long and don't tell
them and then have to deal with someone else dying making
you not want to miss your chance, screw everything in the
world tells you to do it and then it doesn't work out. Fuck
fukc shit fuck shit fuck shit.

This pisses me off.

I want him so badly but I don't want to show ANYONE how I
feel so I jsut am trying to stop thinking about it. I have
talked to i think 7 new people(all guys mind you) in the
last 2 days, that is alot for me. I jsut want to find
something to distract me. But I don't think I am going to
find it.

Ohh also this entire fiasco had made me start thinking
about other things. I have come to the conclusion that I
am the ugliest person in the word and no one will tell me,
becuase I can't get a guy. EVER except for when I was a
slut and that was many years ago now.

I knwo I'm not butt ugly but I don';t know what else to
think

Especially when the lst 7 relationships I have attempted
failed miserably. I have dated all the types: freaks,
liars, friends, and assholes. There is no one left to try.
And I don't know what to do becuase even if I do try again
I have the feeling it would just becoem fucked up again
either like with the boyfrineds or with just the frineds.

I'm crying again, I don't want to be. But i can't stop it
anymore. It doesn't help that as of last week sometime my
flashes of things from the pasat have only gotten stronger
and then they became overpowering when the stuff wiht my
best friend happend. It jsut makes me want to do the
things I see and It takes a big chunk of me ever time I
push those images back. I jsut feel like bloodletting a
little bit, but I know I can't. Otherwise I will spiral
down back to that place inside of me I have managed to keep
locked up and avoided, but it is breaking free. So I don't
knwo.

Hopefully htings will get better but they don't seem to be
getting anywhere near that end of the spectrum.

I'm done now.