Amie

What you never knew
2002-02-27 00:05:41 (UTC)

The wall

I just realized something. I realized what I'm doing. Yes I
love Matt..more than anyone, but along that horribly long
line of being degraded by my mother I built up a wall. An
iron wall. I can love, but I wont allow myself to be loved.
I refuse to feel loved or acknowledge that anyone loves me.
Matt will sit there and tell me how much he loves me but I
just choose to tune it out and push it away. I say that I
love him back because I really do but I just cant accept it
when he says that he loves me. This wall makes me not want
to be loved...and I CANT be. It almost isolates me form
those that I do love, namely Matt. I dont deserve him. I
mean I hide so much from him behind my wall because I...I
just...I dont know. I wont let myself be loved. I wont let
him love me. A strange yet simple statement. Why is it that
I do this? I am afraid that if I let someone love me then I
will become vulnerable and easy to be hurt. I dont want to
be hurt. How this works I do not know. Haha its almost like
this Malcom in the middle I was watching. In it the one kid
just "turned his brain off" It's like I turn my heart and
soul off. I dont turn it off to ME feeling anything because
I know that I love Matt...I just wont let him love me. So I
turn it off. Now I'm sure its hard to believe that I can
just not let someone love me and emotionally detach myself
from all people but...it's not so hard. When you've never
been truly loved and never had to show emotion in return
you wont find it so hard. It's easier for me to be
detached..than to feel. Thats scary. Man I am one screwed
up person..and a phsyco....lata, amie.