nin137

Nick's Journal
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2002-02-26 05:41:58 (UTC)

The Halo

I swear I came to the library to study. One and a half
hours. BIT ECON ACIS as I stare at those acronyms I
realize with dismay htat they dictate who I am. I fuck up
a BIT test...that means I'm a fuck up. So those acronyms
now force me to sit at this desk and stare at their
books. Memorize, learn, lecutre, teach, egage, usa, all
these words fly through my head as useless. Waht's the
point of a utilitarian educaiton if YOU don't benefit from
it? It sounds selfish but I just think there's more.
Hell we all know there's more. Yet we occupy ourselves
with our little everyday woes and worries that truly
amount to jack shit. I had a great day today but it just
turned eerily wonderful a couple of minutes ago. There I
am strolling to my destination. As usual completely
engaged in nothing. Silent figures bustle around me and
it sorta reminds me of how people always describe vicious
animals, "They're more afraid of you than you are of
them." Thank God. It's great when I can be around so
many people yet feel so blissfully alone. Another dark
figure walks towards me and I disregard it exactly as I do
with the others.
"Do you see the halo?"
The hair stood up on the back of my neck. I kept on
thking "just remember nick, its more afraid of you than
you are of it." NOw I"m quite hard of hearing so I
wondered if I should just let this inanity pass by as if I
had never heard it. I finally look up and meet "It". It
is a girl with long brown hair, a quizzical smile, and a
hopeful look. The moon bounced off her hair and her
hopeful look and quizzical smile turned into despair as
she realized my perturbation.
"Excuse me?" I venture.
"The Halo!" she says as she points upwards towardst he
full moon. I look up and am struck by its beauty. A
silver ring surrounds the moon, extended quite a bit from
it. It truly looked like the moon's oversized Halo. I
looked down and met her eyes again. This time they seemed
to be thrilled. Then they flashed (or I'm sure I just
imagined it) she grinned and said:
"Now you see."
And with that she moved along. I was torn between
watching her glide away into the dark or gaping at the
Haloed Moon.
I do'nt know what struck me most. The Hal of the moon, or
the fact that someone would go out of their way to let me
in on it. Why didn't she just walk by? If I had noticed
the Halo (and I probably wouldnt' have) I woulda just
scuttled along. Fuck Everyone else its MY Halo! They'd
never show me. but now I realize that some will.
I mean I've had a great Monday but this last part gets me
wondering. I felt special that she picked me to tell and
not hte surrounding dark figures. MOst likely she picked
me because I"m slow as a sloth, when I walk, everyone else
scurries. I really appreciate her telling me and I stared
at it for so long.
Now here I sit in the fucking library. My acronyms scream
at me to pay attention to them! All I can think of is
why? but even more so, why what? What the fuck am I
asking why about? I"ve realized I don't want to be
perfect. I want to try everything.in moderation, but
shit, most alayz people want that. If I really continue
down my path and finally make it to be a corporate lawyer
I'll be capitalisms bitch and I'll be nothing but an ass
to people. Shit as long as capitalism stuffs its money
down my thong I'll dance its dirty little jig.....But I'm
not so sure anymore. I'd hate to laugh at a STock Market
joke and then scoff at those that busy themselves with
Halos surrounding Moons. There's no money in telling
people bout Halos. But I felt so incredibly special an dI
know its corny,cliche, overused, but I'lll say
it..shouldn't that e all the payment I need?
Fuck the ECON test, fuck busying myself just to prove
myself to others. I know......that I know, what I need to
know. Why the fuck study one and a half hours? Fuck It!I
just realize that I can despise people, and make fun of
them to objectify my perceptions to myself, but I don't
want to hurt anyone. I can joke with those that
understand me and konw I don't mean any of my ass-
holeness, but more so I want others to feel as awesome as
I did when I was approached tonight. I'll probably get
skeptical looks (not like I didn't give my own) and maybe
even a roll of the eyes and a "big deal", but I'll know I
tried.
And that's what matters. If I go down my path of
capitalism, acronyms, studying, writing, joking, reading,
thinking, failing, succeeding, and Halo Observation all
that matters to me is that I can still make old friends
laugh and new ones feel good about themselves. I thought
my day made me damn near euphoric, but I would trade it
all if I could feel whatever emotion was behind her eyes
when she said "Now you see".
So if you're walking laong your own path and a money-
grubbing, cynical, asshole of an Austrian approaches you,
I'm just trying to show you the Halo in the
sky.......before the Cliche police comes and kicks my ass
for this journal entry.


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