What you never knew
2002-02-25 22:55:08 (UTC)


Aah...well so much is just like..not coo for me right now.
My mom was yelling at me today and she always is saying how
I have such an attitude and all this shit. But this time I
seriously didnt do ne thing. I was just there. I dont
understand it. Right now I just feel so tired. I mean not
like the physical I need sleep tired but the tired where I
just cant take this anymore and I'm so tired of it I cant
move. I was just sitting here in my room in my chair
staring at the wall. I tried to get up but I couldnt move.
I tried to blink but it was almost too much effort. I am
just so...tired. I wish I could lie down and go to sleep
and never have to wake up. I want God to strike me
down..PLEASE. I cant take the constant name calling and the
yelling and the degrading. She calls me stupid all the
time. I'm not stupid..I'm not. I sometimes wish that I
could open up a bottle of that white out stuff and just
white out all the bad shit in my life. would take
alot more than one bottle. I feel right now like I'm
sinking into this I will be forever and its
this never ending circle that will never end.
Aaaaahhh and I read Matt's latest entry and like he was
saying how he read mine and he sounded angry at the fact
that I was saying how I was jeleous about those girls. I
know that he does acknowledge them and that some of them
like him I think he may have just misunderstood what I was
saying there. I was just kinda saying that like yea...I'm
just jeleous that girls call him. I dont know. I just love
him so much I dont know what to do with myself. And yes I
know that there are guys that like me and they are my
friends I just I dont know. I have a very low self esteem.
Its so hard to believe that people actually do like me so I
just choose to believe that they dont. I still find it so
hard to believe that Matt could even possibly love me back.
I just am not seeing it. No one has ever loved me and I
dont know why someone would want to start now. My own
mother even told me today that I couldnt possibly be in
love and that Matt doesnt love me..he just wants a gf so he
says that to me. Sometimes she says things like that so
many times that I actually begin to believe it. Like now
for instance. I just cant seem to grasp the fact that he
does love me. I mean sitting here and typing this, in my
head I'm saying "he doesnt love you just dont even get your
hopes up". How do I even know that it is love? Haha that
was a dumb questions cause its something that you just
know. And I just know..with everything in me I know.
Sigh..I just hate feeling so tired and worthless...and like
I do. Peace...Amie