...i got my lunchbox and i'm armed real well...
"It's all relative to the size of your steeple..."
God damnit I forgot what I was gonna say....
I'm feeling somewhat better and with my health I have also
managed to look deep in my soul and find a descent
I hate people and society and blah blah blah...all that
bullshit that everyone's heard from me before..but lately
I've been feeling like I truely do not matter...like my
existence is no longer needed...and the only thing that
needs me is my self-destructive behavior.
The cutting and ideals of starvation calm me....make me
feel needed...and wanted...maybe even loved.
Of course I'm not saying I don't get loved or whatever....I
have an angel in my life and something of a family....
(oh my gosh there was something that could be mistaken for
positive thoughts in there.....)
But....my mind keeps telling me that everyone has forgotten
about me and I'm no longer good enough for first
choice...or second..not even last. I am a nothing.
So many people in my life have proved that to me....
Which makes me think that there must be...HAS to be
something wrong with me....I mean, when you have a wholeee
group of people who don't even know me and hate
me...well....I don't know.
Maybe they don't hate me and it's just my mind telling me
Then why in all my life have I always been attacked by many
people when I don't say a word to make them angry?
I don't understand....really I don't.
I hate my father...
No I don't...
I despise him.
It doesn't matter whether the feelings are mutual right now
or not.,...when/if he ever does come in contact with me
again I'm positive he will hate me.
Might as well hate him now so I have a defense up already.
I protect myself with hate.
I do it quite often...
So that leaves me to the question...do I truely hate the
people that I say I hate.
I don't know what hate is.....
To me it's denfense....
Blah...yea I "ponder" way too much.
An action of which I do not posses the balls to accomplish.
I get in the tub and say to myself "This will be the day
that I just slid down and don't come back up."
Why, just a few days ago I held my head under the water and
tried to breathe....to see what it's like for someone to
See if it's painfull.
Much to my dismay it is....
So...I just keep on cutting...keep on obssessing over new
ways to punish myself for not having the capacity to
die.....and the punishment will go on and on and on forever
So...whos guessing the Prozac isn't working????
"Is she not right? Is she insane?...never fucking come back to me"