as the Oval turns
2002-02-25 19:28:29 (UTC)


song of the whenever: Robin Mark-"You're the Lion of Judah"

I went to a conference over the weekend w/IV, and it was
really, really good. It was fun, too, but the thing is
that God showed me a lot as well.

He showed me that I do have an issue w/humility, especially
with learning how to be interdependent rather than always
trying to be self-sufficient and independent to the point
of never asking for help when I need it. Also, He showed
me that I had a lot of sin in my life that is tied into
some of my issues, that I needed to give to him.

Also, about my issues...I can't stand guys. Well, I like
them, but I don't like how shallow they are, and a lot of
my disgust w/that comes from the fact that I couldn't stand
what many of the males I've come across in my life have
done. I have tended to "manage my heart," or in other
words, stuff my emotions b/c I felt ashamed to even feel
hurt or to let someone's actions get to me. I felt ashamed
to admit that I actually gave a crap about certain guys b/c
I felt that it would be an admission that I was weak and I
wasn't being a strong Black woman. Well...the thing that
came up in my conference track was that stuffing your
emotions is akin to a pressure cooker. You can only stuff
so much in there, and you can only keep it in for so long,
until it comes out, either through some kind of spillover,
through explosion, or something of that nature. I think
I've cried more in college than I have through most of my
life, not b/c things are worse here as I think that my life
has been better here b/c I'm with the Lord and I have real
joy. But I found that I never allowed myself to feel the
pain and the hurt of certain things that have happened in
my life before coming to college, and I couldn't keep it in
anymore. Well, I went through a period of release last
year, but I thought I was done. However, I guess you can't
stuff your emotions for 9 years and expect it to go away in
a couple of months:. So a lot of stuff is still there,
and that's why I've only realized recently that I have
negative expectations of the male sex, even Christian
males...I mean, I've been through hell with Pacey, though I
think that some of what's gone on there is projection, he
has done some shady, hurtful crap...and he's a Christian.

I have so many questions. I wonder if shallowness is a
sin. I mean, the shallowness of some of the men I've met
in life has been really hurtful to me b/c what I look like
has nothing to do with who I am as a person. But I wonder
if God thinks it's says in the Bible that man
looks at appearances but "God looks at the heart." That
may be true, but if as Christians we're supposed to strive
to be more like God, then why do so many Christians,
especially Christian guys, think that being shallow and
looks conscious is okay? Is it okay? I guess the question
attached to this is why God allowed for me to continue to
be hurt like that when I never did anything to deserve to
be treated like less than a person and be disrespected on
top of being rejected for what I look like? I can't
understand that, I really can't.