jen

my crazy life, check it out...
2001-05-04 03:13:07 (UTC)

Thank God!!

By God, I am so happy! I actually passed my college test!!
I was so relieved. And to actually see the relief in my
parents voices and the excitement. I like when my parents
feel proud of me. That is why I hate to lie to them. But it
is so hard not to lie when they especially don't understand
the fact that I am 18, and I am not a baby. And I have been
in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year and
a 1/2 and they still don't trust me with him and staying at
his house and don't trust the fact that I am protecting
myself. I guess they just worry a lot. And I can imagine I
would too if I was a parent. Cuz, really so much can happen
in a single lifetime to anyone. Not just girls either. Some
guy, just yesterday, only 20 years old, got shot from a car
jacking, and he died. I think that is so terrible. You are
not safe anywhere. Right now, I am not even safe in my own
home. The shit that I watch on tv scares me to death. It is
reality. I guess I need to accept that, in some way, I am
going to die, and that I am going to lose my loved ones.
Now that is something I don't want to face. Truly. I am
scared and stressed enough as is now. I only have 4 weeks
until I graduate high school, my boyfriend is leaving me in
like 6 weeks for the guard, my best friend is getting
married and I am beginning college in the fall. This is a
whole new change for me. I feel like every little aspect of
my life is changing every day as I live. I don't know if it
is good or bad. I guess things happen for a reason.
My saying is this (and I have said it plenty of
times!): "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I
feel like this stress is slowly killing me. I just worry
that I am not gonna be the good college student and live up
to the expecations, I feel that I am not gonna handle this
situation of me and tim lightly (cuz I can't have that
feeling of lose) and I feel like I am gonna lose Amy.

But the truth is, as I said before, it is all the same to
me. I think I might be able to deal with it. I have dealt
with so much bs in my lifetime I think I can handle
anything else. I feel that, knowing Tim is in my heart and
he is the only one, and even though not seeing him and
feeling his touch (and looking into his beautiful green
eyes) that I can deal with losing him for 6 or 7 months,
cuz I know I will wait on him. And I know that I can deal
with whatever friendship barriers there is to conquer
between me and Amy, cuz I have been through so many feats
through friendships and stuff. I just get worried and I
depress myself in the process. sorry about this. I get so
happy but I realize that I have so much inside to let out
emotionally about things occurring or about to occur in my
life. but I'll w/b to ya. bye 4 now/


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