dorkydyke

The Basement
2002-02-24 04:55:21 (UTC)

Goodbye...

.... funny how life works.
I guess there's something seriously wrong wit me. When i
was about 2 years old, mah sister was born. I've tried to
kill mah self even then. I didn't eat for a week straight
and was sent to the emergency nearly dying several times. I
guess it was beacuse since then, no one has paid any
attention to me.Not my parents, my aunts or uncles.No one.
I've tried to kill mahself several times after dat too.
It didn't really mattered to me.Nuthin did. It didn't hurt me that i
didn't have any friends. I didn't have anyone that cared. I never
really watched tv. Whenever i did, deres always a happy family or
lovers being happy. I was curious about that. I never really been
happy before. I guess from the outside any stranger could see myh
family was one of those happy magazine family where the mom and dad
care for eachother and the sister or brothers got along great.But no
one knew. No one took the time to know me. I had to hurt myself to
get some attention. I had to starve myself. I hafta be half dead
before anyone notices I'm not there. Sometymes i wonder if there are
anybody else that feels the way i do. Numb. bored with the cruel
jokes god or wateva shit played on me for over 14 years. I never had
any friends. I never had any love from my family. I never knew anyone
who cared. That was alright though. I had myself. I can understand
myself.But sometimes dat excuse didn't work. I used to cry myself
asleep when i was little. After age 3 when i was finally over
starving myself, i decided to live and see exactly why i was put on
dis damn mudball planet. So far i hadn't gotten my answer yet.
Actually i got the opposite. I found out all the reasons why i dont
belong here. I felt everysingle pain and loneliness in existance and
i have yet to find love. I found happiness. Or i thought i did. J was
the first one. Bittersweet moments. For the last few days i knew it
was over. We had lost that small sparkle and couldn't bring it back.
It was good while it lasted. But i knew i should've been her first
gf. I didn't deserve the title. I thought i could try it out and see
if i can make anyone happy including myself. It didn't work. I found
out how to love. But she was too far away. I finally tasted
happiness, but she wasn't here to share it. Ironic huh? dass what my
life is. Plain Ironic. I hate this. I hate my mom for having me. I
hate those damn doctors who saved my life about 5 times. I hate me
for being who i am. I hate J...because i guess i still care. Cried my
first tear in 4 years. I guess I'm destined to be alone for the rest
of my life. I'm gods cruel amusement. I probably wont be online for a
while. And if i dont return, be happy for me. I probably have died.

~S


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