Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
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2001-05-03 06:36:38 (UTC)

enough about us..

I'm so angry. I'm angry at C.G. for phucking with my head
the way he has and leaving me practically obsessed with
him. Everyday I race to my phone ID box to see if he's
called...he never does. Maybe I should call him, but gawd I
just feel so dumb. I feel like I failed. This guy liked me
for HOW LONG? And I guess I sent him running away from me.
I'm not sure why... says I'm too short...says I'm not what
he's looking for...says he's looking for a wife...says the
REAL reason he can't be in a relationship with me is
because he's in love with his best (girl) friend and the
fact that she's engaged to be married doesn't make him see
that in reality I'd probably be a more realistic option for
him. I guess I'm just not any kind of option for him,
except maybe someone to sleep with when the mood hits
(usually where alcohol is involved).
So, ya, I'm feeling pretty depressed and sorry for myself.
Anyone who's been reading is likely sick of hearing me
whine and obsess about that asshole. I don't really know
what it is that makes me want to be with him so much, I
just do. He's really not that special. Never made me feel
anything extraordinary. All he did was phuck with my head
for a few months than phuck off entirely.
Now I feel inadequate and unlovable. I feel like I'll
never have someone who loves me through thick and thin,
better or worse, yadda yadda yadda... But I do have that. I
have that in my family and my friends. I should just be
thankful that I'm so lucky to have them.
Why am I so man-needy? Pathetic. Here I am doing so well.
And yet, I just can't get over this C.G.-preoccupation.
Maybe it's the desire to just have someone to love and love
me in return. A man. A stable, dependable, secure man who
dotes on me just the right amount. Someone who sees himself
with me in a long-term situation. Someone who'd like to
SOMEDAY marry me and raise a family and grow old with.
I thought it was just crazy of C.G. to start talking about
looking for his wife. I guess 23 just seems super-young to
me. He'll likely meet some wonderful Erin-type and date
her, marry her and raise a family with her than grow old
with her. Not fair. I want to be with him. I sound like
such a brat but it's how I feel right now. I WILL get over
this soon.
"Enough about us, let's talk about me..."

On the bright, important side...I got my grades today and
I got all As&Bs so I'm gonna graduate YOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!
Unfortunately a Check Engine light came on in my car this
evening, so I'll have to do something about that :(

I should hit the hay. Keep reading if you've made it this
far I guess it can't be that bad ;)