Lenore the fool

Steal this diary
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2002-02-24 00:24:32 (UTC)

I wanna bad boy to be bad with

I want me a bad boy. How cliche. But not a real bad boy.
He's gotta be good bad not evil. Some one who is harsh
but...to me would be sweet and a little hard, playful even.
I already have a boyfriend bt he's now of that. I need a guy
who won't let me trample over him. I don't mean to do it, it
just happens. I want them to be nice to me but i don't want
to end up expecting it. I found the one a while ago but...i
can't have him, and I don't want to break this one's heart.
Lately I have just been wanting to cause some meheam.
Nothing terrible, just destroy something. I want to just
explode and break things. Burn something. I dunno. I guess
i'm trying to be a rebelious teenager. I'd do all these
things but you need someone to share these experineces with
and most of my friends are too clean cut kids who might talk
shit but never do any of it. How boring a whole life of
talking and no action. I don't know how they stand it. i am
not as bad as some people...but i swear none of them would do
anything fun if i didn't come along and made plans take
action. I mean i'm not even talking about bad things, some of
them wouldn't take time to get off their asses and go to the
movies or someone's house to just chill and hang out.
One thing I like to do is...do things. I want to do it
all. And i want to get there all by myself. I don't want
anyone's fucking help because even if i fail ...i got myself
that far. I think needed help from people is basically the
same as being weak. I hate being weak. I want to do things
on my own. People don't understand the fuck load of pride i
carry or how it can be broken down so easy. It's dangerousd
in my mind irf i loose too much control. I start to do
things to try and gain control over something. No i'm not
aneroxic nor belimic. You could tell that by looking at me.
Only one person knows the things i do 2 if you include me.
And the other person doesn't know much else about me. They
think they know me the old me is who they are rthinking of.
But I'm not her any more things change people change. you
didn't do anything to make me feel differently. I know you
want me to love you as much as you love me but i don't..I
just don't and to top it off I'm head over feet for your best
friend. I'm fucked up the ass in this life. I drink to
forget everything i do. I don't want to hurt you but y
feelings that i try so despritely to hide just slip out
sometimes. I wish we could just be friends. I wish you
could just be happy with that. And if wishes were horses all
beggars would ride.
He'll never read that...don't worry if anyone ever reads
these. No one knows who i am here, and i'm not giving anyone
who knows me this diary. I would leave some shit like that
for some poor love sick fool to find. How cruel do you think
i am? I may want to destroy things but i don't want to
destroy a person. At least not meantally or emotionally.. I
wish i could beat the living shit out of someone. Everyone
who makes me feel like i'm nothing, and to imagine those are
the people who i love and i thought were my friends. Well
fuck them. It doesn't matter like i said not one of them is
ever going to read this.

For the love of woodpeckers!
Lenore*


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