What you never knew
2002-02-23 21:03:31 (UTC)

Gaah so much to say so little time

Hey hey. I have so much going on right now in my head. It
all just gets jumbled up and I don't know what I'm even
thinking anymore. For example, at this point and time
everything with my boyfriend Matt just seems to be all bla
and I don't know why. It's probably something I did to
screw it up, I always find a way to screw somthing up. Now
with's very interesting. Ya see, he is actually
one of my best friend's ex boyfriend and he hates her now.
I fell in love with him about a month after he asked me
out. With him it's like everything just fits and works and
he cares so much about me and I care so much for him. But
at the same time in the back of my head I have this
constant thought of how much I want my freedom back because
I was single for so long. It seems like just when I get a
boyfriend that I am really happy with, all these guys
notice me. One of them is really cute and I had a crush on
him over the summer. Now he suddenly shows this interest in
me, and I have a boyfriend. I think that it happens that
way because guys see that you have a boyfriend and they
realize what they missed by not seeing it earlier. I'm not
saying that I want to break up with Matt or even that I am
thinking about going for ne of these other guys because I'm
not. It just got me thinking.
Then there is my parents. They lately, just seem to not
care at all wether I live or die. They put my sister before
me all the time and they don't see any of the good things I
do just the bad. I dont even do all that many bad things
either it just is really frustraiting. They always tell me
to just leave the room and dissapear. That makes me want to
disapear. Sometimes I stand at the top of the stairs and
wonder who all would care if I just let myself fall. If
anyone would care. Lately it really hurts some of the
things that they do to me or they say to me. They dont know
who I am, and they don't accept the person that I am. Alot
of people are not liking the person that I am, and its
making me wonder if I should be me anymore. I have always
liked the person I was and I was always proud to be an
individual but when people constantly shut me down or ask
me if I need to take medication for my "condition" or they
make fun of just hurts. So much keeps building up
for me and I dont know whats going to happen. I just cant
keep taking it in because I dont like the way that it makes
me feel.