Mojojojo

My So-Called Life
2002-02-23 19:20:12 (UTC)

Millions.

Oh God...oh lovely world.
The word "love" is good to hear...for the first time in my
life I am so truley happy with just about everything. I
have the best boyfriend in the world, my parents understand
me, and I feel good about myself.

Although, my brother, Tommy, made a good point in one of
his essays - he cannot be completely happy and content at
the same time. He needs to be able to whine about
something...needs to be cold at night, needs to find
cockroaches in his bathroom. And I believe it to be true
also, life seems more dull when you are totally happy,
having been used to life being depressing or sad for the
last half year. When things finally start to turn for the
better - there is nothing anymore to worry about, no more
responibilities to have. Life became almost boring after I
let out my beliefs. (Or absence there of.)
Reading through the stories of my own brothers life really
got to me...in many ways. The way he plays with words and
makes everything seem so close...he takes you, and he makes
you know him - suddenly, you are so close to him, that
everything you read is personal to you as well. As I read
through one of his essays called "We Sat and He Smoked on
Headstones", I re-discovered the death of one of his
closest friends, I realized the horror of what had
happened. I remembered the problem, and I also remembered
that I hardly took notice of my surroundings. This awesome
person had died, and I was still worrying about my own
problems - of which I had none, so I was simply thinking
about myself. The brother that I hardly took notice of
until just the last few years was an amazing person, and
still is...he is my oldest sibling - he looked after me
when I was little, he played with me and humoured me, and I
never saw it. Only now, when he lives miles and miles away,
do I realize how much I would love to have him back here at
home.

It's true - it is hard to be happy and content at the same
time...I was content when I had things to worry about, yet
I was terribly sad. At least now I know that there are
people around me to have fun with...to love...just to be
with. I'm happy.