jen

my crazy life, check it out...
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2001-05-03 02:51:26 (UTC)

What a wild day...

Hey there,
Not much here. I just got off of the phone with Natasha! I
think it is so great that she called me! I guess there is
hope that I do have my friendships there, but somehow, they
all seem like they are just hanging by a single thread. I
don't know? I feel like I never have anyone to turn to
other than tim. Like when I have nothing to do and I want
to go shop, or I wanna take a nice walk in the nice
weather, (cuz it has been rather nice out) and there is
noone to share these moments with anymore. Maybe they feel
the same way I do? But when I talk to them, they don't
mention that things have changed.We just act like
everything is okay. My life is just one big ball of
confusion.I am literally stressing myself out to the wits
ends. I am taking a college placement test to get into a
class I have to take to further my education, so I can get
an associates degreee. Well, that is tomorrow, and I have,
absolutely have to pass it! because it'll save me, and my
parents money. I feel so pressured by this. I am always apt
to fail everything. I have always felt rather dumb next to
everyone. And I try my best at everything. I can't even
pass a freaking reading and writing thing, and English is
my favorite subject?? I see people, like Kasi, who barely
goes to school, and definately doesn't study, and I see me,
who overexerts myself on trying the hardest,and she
achieves the much higher grade! Why the hell do I try then?
But I need to. I guess that is how you learn in life.
Through trial and error....................
I guess I do need to open up a bit to my friends about my
feelings.I guess I just push things aside, like they will
patch up eventually, and quite often they don't, and I have
to live by those mistakes, and I am.
I haven't talked to tim in 2 days. He works every weekday
and like every other weekend, and doesn't get home till
11:30 pm. Sometimes he feels like I am smothering him
because on the weekends I want to see him. Well, that is
the ONLY TIME I get to see him. I understand, cuz he is
going away, and his friendships are important too.I just
love to see him. Sometimes he makes me feel like complete
crap like I am holding him from seeing his friends. I just
know that he is going away in less than a month and I want
to make the best of it! and I am sure he does too. I am
gonna fall to peices that 6-7 months without him. but in
some odd way, it won't make a difference because I am
basically living without him physically and by not seeing
him, by only seeing each other on the weekends. But I
always have him on my mind, and in my heart. He is my love,
he is my soulmate. I look at other guys and I think of him.
Yes, I can look!! But I don't touch. I know he looks at
girls. God knows...... but I always have him on my mind. I
guess why I get so freaked out about him not wanting to see
me sometimes is because I feel like he is pushing me away.
And he gets mad at me and says "you don't want me to spend
time with my friends" blah blah blah. I do want him to
have fun with his friends, it is that I don't see him on
the weekdays, let alone I cherish the weekends, and he
don't even wanna spend a weekend day with me?? it just
worries me:( I am a freak!!! I stress out very easily!! oh,
well, thank you guys for the feedback. I will be checkin
your guyses stuff too. Diaries are peices of art to me,
life expressions, that are true. Thank you guys:) I feel by
your responses and diaries that I am not alone. catchya
laterz! bye! (sorry so long)


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