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2001-05-03 01:12:57 (UTC)


today is today.
and tomorrow will be tomorrow.
and every day is the same
but not all at the same time
and it gets a little confusing sometimes
they overlap..
and i feel like i miss out
but there really isnt anything to miss out on
its just my fabricated little happy land
i live in day to day
and try to forget
about yesturday

so, i had a good day today.
ive been seeing this girl, brittany.
shes really very cool, and she likes me a lot...and shes
beautiful. but, i just am not feeling it. acutally i havent
been feeling it with anyone since sandy and i broke up. its
weird. its like im incapable of feeling or something...and
what do you do, when you love someone. and they do not love
you. i feel pathetic. and god...i miss her. its like
something so beautiful has been taken away from me...and
even though i know ti was never real. becuase if it was, i
wouldnt be this miserable right now. i just dont know how
to deal with knowing how happy i CAN be, and not being
there. i dontknow. im trying to use this diary thing to
vent a little abot my feelings...becuase i really dont have
anyone to talk to when it comes to this. i dont want my
friends to know how sad i get about it. because, im trying
to be strong and move on...my mother is an alcoholic. ive
lost her. actually ive lost almost everyone in my life to
substance abuse. which is why i hate it so much...
i lost part of me to it too. i had an above genius IQ
before all of that. im sure i dont now...its weird. do you
ever think about whether or not its a good thing to be
smart? "ignorance is bliss" that trite saying. but
really...if you think about it...like, if you didnt know,
then you couldnt hurt...thats why people use drugs. to
escape reality. to get away from it all. to be stupid. and
irresonsible. becuase if you dont think about things, then
they cant hurt you. and you literally are making yourself
stupid. in the long run. killing brain cells is what
produces the high, that makes you happy. i wonder if
mentally disabled people are happier than the average
person...im sure they are. you know kids in gifted, like
me, are more likely to commit suicide and use drugs than
peope around an average IQ like 100.
so, maybe i should be happy that drugs made me stupid. but
although i dont regret what i did...becuase it is who i am
now. i regret all the people that i hurt. like myself...i
lost my innocence, but at the same time my ignorance. and i
guess i consider that a good thing...ramblings...
i miss so many people. and it bothers me a lot. at least it
has been recently. a lot. two words. so many people...and
the majority it has been becuase of drug use...im so sad. i
have been recently..i dont know why. i know im bipolar. and
im sure that has something to do with it. but i dont know.
why are people considered bipolar...or anything...i dont
get it. who are we to say whats right is right. you
know...my bestfriend was kicked out of his house yesturday.
he came out to his mom. she tried to strangle him but he
got away...so...he might be staying with me for awhile..hes
a great guy. so i wouldnt mind. i think wed be good for
each other actually. graduation is coming up...that means
college starts soon...and thats scary. a little bit. that
means sandy goes away forever. maybe that will be a good
thing. maybe not. i talked to her the other day. she was
nice to me. it was sorta weird. have you ever missed
someone sooo much you didnt know what to do. there is not a
day that goes by that i dont cry about her...its horrible.
weve been apart for...about 6 months. and i am still in
love with her. but, life goes on..and it always will.