life in borderspace
2002-02-22 21:22:52 (UTC)

What I don't have

Well I think often about writing here and usually don't
because I am not a big fan of wallowing in my own pity and
when things are up have better things to do than write
here. However, sometimes I feel obligated to update on
what is currently what. I have no friends! You may think
this a strange thing to say since everyone has friends just
most people undervalue them but I in all actuality question
the degree to which I have friends. I know that I don't
have any girl friends. I suppose that must say something
about me. I mean girls are by far the pickier of the sexes
and therefore it is obvious that all I have must only be
superficial, my cool is only so deep, my intelect only so
dazzling and my sense of humour not enough to get me by.
I'm not even good enough to go and hang out at some dingy
dive and hear some no name band play. This makes me sad.
I guess after all I have the boys. But who among them are
my friends. My actual friends. Well we have ruled
ol' "dicecheat" out and same with Watson. Cestus in not
really a friend (but definately an aquaintance) and Mac
likes everybody. Carl pays me to go out for coffee with
him and still hasn't figured out how to be friends with me
and Eric (who I actually like) doesn't have much to say
most of the time. I know that I'm tired of getting emails
from all these people that put themselves down or compalin
about things they don't have. I think if we looked around
ourselves we'd realize we have it pretty good. I'd like to
be able to say that the problem then is so obviously me but
I don't think it is. I try very hard to make people feel
good about themselves and their lives and I still don't see
what's wrong with that. I guess being the content one in
the mass of discontents makes me an automatic target. I
wish sometimes that I could just say what I think about
people but the problem is that they totally won't care and
voicing my concerns about the way they behave will just
serve to start a big fight in which I am the loser because
I'm the one who acknowledges that other people exist around
me. In essence I spend a lot of time biting my tounge
because these are my friends and if I make them mad at me
then I will have no friends and as I have demonstrated this
week I am not very good at making new ones.
In other news the boy showed a very sensitive side to
himself the other day. Knowing that I was upset at having
been stood up he showed up with a bunch of gifts to cheer
me up. It showed an intuitiveness and a consideration that
he hasn't shown in a long long time. Made me miss the way
thing were all that much more. However, the night
proceeded like any other night and I went to bed frustrated
and angry. But that's besides the point. I guess when
push comes to shove the fact of the matter is I'm not
satisfied. I long for many things and have very little
idea how to achieve them in the life I am leading or if it
is even possible to achieve them here. Sometimes I long to
start over and sometimes long to have never started at
all. But life continues as it does and I have very little
control over that. All I can do is make the best of the
time that is given to me. Or so I hear anyways. Well
here's to friendship and preparing to have my feelings hurt
(or so I read) Sometimes people outta just say what they
ean and mean what they say and apologise when they get it
all confused!

I don't even care who in the blue hell I think I am right