sweetaddiction

~*~*~*~
2002-02-22 20:36:06 (UTC)

play with my hair, *mind*, and ill be fucking happy.

ive never had to fight with my morals before.
"you want everythign to be set in stone, laid out for you.
ashley, its not like that. life isnt like that. especially
because youre so young"
yeah well. fuck. you know.
maybe i NEED answers now.
maybe i need some fucking commitment from people.
maybe i NEED to know that no matter what i fucking do ill
be loved by them, because ive given all of that too.
you know.
different times.
different places.
different people.

im tired of people being like oh well youre young. live
your life.
yeah alright man.
alright people.
do you KNOW me?
know.
you dont. at fucking all.
obviously.
i had my little fucking time being young.
i grew up to quickly.
and im fucking old too quickly.
whatever.

theres something missing.
and i dont even know what it is.

yeah.
somethings are better left unsaid.
and that kinda sucks.
but its very true.

because talking.

it doesnt change anything.
unless people really listen and understand.
but thats not the case.

note to self*
youre not a mother.

note to self*
take care of yourself.

"you need to figure out what YOU need ashley. you need to
do whats right with you. and stop worrying so much about
other people"
2.5 years of knowing everythign about me.


are you happy?

am i happy?


i cant even tell the difference between happiness and
sadness anymore.
its just.
a blur. a big fucking blob in my mind that have an impact
on my actions through out the days.

frustration.
peak.
climax.

i feel like im on one of those fucking running machine
thigns. running. running with those little fucking rails.
faster and FASTER. going NO WHERE. no where at all. and the
little mat thing goes around and around and around
promising me NOTHING and fullfilling that promise to a tee.
so what exactly do i have a right o be so upset about.
i wasnt lied to.
i knew the whole time.
i knew when i got on it that it wasnt going to magically
transport me to some desolate island of pleasure.
i knew i was going to run my fucking ass off for a short
period of time and then get off be right where i fucking
started.
just a little more tired.
and a drained.
stressed.
with maybe a few fucking calories out of my system.

maybe i need to stop lying to myself.
and look at situations for what they really are.
let go of my semi romantic intentions.
and live life like the rest of the fucking world is.
for myself.