sarah beara

sarah beara
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2002-02-22 18:06:42 (UTC)

*can't think of any sort of topic*

i haven't written in here for a long time....why not do it
now...

there has been so much that has happened in the past few
weeks...so many wonderful things....so many things that
i've been waiting so long to see play out...

the first and biggest is that i met the one i talk about so
much in this journal.....it was every bit as amazing as i
thought it would be...more actually....i never knew that it
could be better than i thought it would - but it certainly
was....i've never known that there could be something so
perfect...something that felt so right....but this is
certainly it....it makes me happy to know that everything
worked out just like we planned....it makes me very
happy... :)

i'm moving down there in about 2 and half weeks....i'm
extremely excited and nervous too....i'm excited for the
obvious reason that it is something completely new....and
i'll finally be able to be with him everyday...i can see
him when i go to bed at night...i can see him first thing
when i wake up in the morning.... *sigh* i'm nervous
because i'm leaving everything that i have ever known...i'm
leaving my mom....i'm leaving my step-dad...i'm leaving my
brother and his new baby...i'm leaving all my friends...i'm
leaving the town i grew up in...i'm leaving aunts, uncles,
cousins, pets, my bedroom, my comfy couch, everything that
i've ever known....it is kind of scary....it would be for
anyone...but i know it's something that i want to
do...something i need to do...something that i know is
right....

i'm sure there will be some huge adjustment
period....trying to adjust to the fact that i won't ever be
going back...i won't ever be going home unless it's for
vacation...i won't ever have to leave him...i can stay
forever and go where i want...when i want....do anything
that i want with my life without having to answer to
anyone...well i won't have to answer to my mom at least....

i'm going to be sad....very sad for awhile i would say....i
never realized quite how close i am to my mom and stepdad
until i am going to leave them....then it hits me like i
just ran into a brick wall...i complain about my mom and
family and the way they fight...but i don't hate
them....i'm going to miss them so much....more than i
realized....

and i don't even know that my mom realizes that the reason
i don't cry about it or act a mess about leaving home for
the first time - is because i can't let myself do that...i
can't let myself think about all that i'll be leaving
because that might shake the certainty that i have about
all of this....and it's something i need to do...and
something that i want to do....like i said before... :) but
i'm sure she knows that....she knows me like the back of
her hand....

ahhhhhh!!!! i can't believe all of this...it's so wonderful
and beautiful....i've never felt all of this before....it's
still so new and so refreshing....i wouldn't trade any of
this for anything in the world... :D

i can't wait until i can look into his eyes again...until i
can kiss him when i want....until i can snuggle up to him
in the middle of the night...until i can run my fingers
through his hair when i watch him sleep...until i can yell
at him a for stealing the blankets again (lol)....until i
can hold his hand and squeeze it tight....until i can have
him be the first, beautiful, thing that i see in the
morning - every morning.....

*sigh* i can't wait to see him again...my heart seriously
aches for him...worse than before...worse than ever....


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