2002-02-22 12:25:37 (UTC)

I don t know why I do things..

I don't know why I do things like this to myself...I was
fine before today, when out of the blue and boredom, I
decided to read a survey that he had filled out. This
brought all the pain flooding back through my
system...although it wasn't much like a flood, but a stream
that grows and grows until it's a full fledged river, and
that's even worse, because I saw the pain coming but I kept
on reading anyway. The way he wrote, the uniqueness of the
things he said, made me realize that I really didn't know
him anymore...but made the desire to want to know him again
so strong that someone may as well just impale me on a
blunt, jagged piece of wood. Why is this so painful, you
may ask? Because he told me he never wanted to see me
again. He doesn't even want to be my friend...not even my you realize how much it hurts to have someone
you love tell you that? And what's worse is that I did
nothing to bring this about...I didn't do any horrible
thing to him, all I did was be MY SELF and he decided that
I wasn't good enough to be in his life anymore. EVER AGAIN.
I used to like to think of myself as an individual, someone
who is independent of others, doesn't care much what other
think because I'm secure with myself. Well you know, it's a
really brutal test of these values to have the person you
care most about in the world tell you you're
worthless...yeah, a real tough pop-quiz for the soul. And I
flunked, I flunked with flying colors and this is why I've
been reduced to the run-down, personalityless, driveless,
hopeless, pile of human suffering that I am. I was already
sinking low before I saw him that last time, I was on my
last inspired breath...and he, someone who was supposed to
love me FOREVER, takes the last, grand swipe and I'm
nothing. What's the moral of this story? I'll be damned if
I know...perhaps, never trust anyone ever again? Or maybe,
never love anyone ever again? The only thing I know for
sure is that I can NEVER speak to HIM again...that is, if I
want to keep a shred of dignity for myself. I ran back to
him so many times while we were dating, took him back after
so many fights, so much pain that I felt because of him, I
know now that I should have stepped away a long long time
ago. And now the only thing for me to do is never see him
again, and that's kinda hard when the one thing I want to
do above all else right now is call him and beg for him to
take me back, or write him a letter telling him how I feel.
I hope I have the strength not to do those things, and I
also hope that I'll refrain from stupid trips down memory
lane, as tonight was. It kills me to know that I'm every
bit as in love with him as I ever was and he, on the other
hand, probably wouldn't shed a tear if I died a painful
death tomorrow.