The Shadow of Myself
2002-02-22 06:43:56 (UTC)


I think that I've decided I can't analyze him anymore. I
mean I guess I could.. but I realize now that most of what
I think is true isn't. We seriously just think completely
different. It's not bad.. it's very intriguing actually.
I love it how he's so different from me and that's probably
why I always try to figure him out. Rationalizing does
absolutely no good though.. b/c I pretty much don't know
what he's thinking unless he tells me. So I make up
theories.. just to fill the unanswered questions.

I hope that someday I get the opportunity to sit down with
him.. for a long time.. and talk about his past.. and all
the things that happened that made him who he is. I want
to hear the bad stuff.. and the good stuff. I don't want
to have to assume anything about why he is the way he is..
I want him to tell me. I wish I could help him when he
feels like no one else can. I wish I could be there to
give him a hug when he has a bad day. I wish I could smile
at him across the room and let him know that I care. I
wish I could just stop by and surprise him.

I'm continuing to fall. I'm hopeless.. but not in a bad
way. I'm just hopelessly falling. Apparently I shouldn't
be scared because he said that he'll catch me when I fall.
I guess I'm hoping that he'll be ready to catch me..

So.. a little story... last night we were talking...
me: so how much do you care?
him: sorry. i think you are interpreting me wrong
me: no.. that was just a random question
me: I just wanted to ask you that
him: i care probably more than you think i do
me: so explain it to me...
him: what would you like explained
me: don't make me assume things.. just tell me
me: how much do you care?
him: well i would do anything for you
me: you would?
him: yes
him: i would
me: that is a big thing to say
him: i wouldnt say it if i didnt mean it
me: wow
me: that gets me
me: that's just whoa

So yeah.. that blew me away b/c I had no idea that he felt
like that. People don't just go around saying that to
people. I don't know that anyone has ever said that to
me. He says things like that sometimes.. and I can't even
believe that he feels that way and hasn't told me. It's
almost like he doesn't mean to say things like that.. like
they just come out.. and then he knows it's true but he
just didn't want to say it. I don't know.

Basically.. I just adore him. I adore everything about
him. Even when I get frustrated with him.. I'm not
really. I think I just get scared that he doesn't care
sometimes b/c he's not as vocal as I am. I like him for
the person that he is.. I just like him. It's so

I hate it when what I want to say the most can't come out.
MAYBE.. that just means that it's not time for it to be