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2002-02-22 04:03:43 (UTC)

You make me sick

The thought of her is making me sick. I want to be with her
so much and I just get so pissed off when I am not with her
or when I have to leave her. I don't care if she loves me,
that doesn't bring us any closer (physically) together. I
was talking to her on the phone, well kind of, and she was
chatting with Danielle on msn. I just wanted to yell at
her. Tell her to talk to me, tell her I am the one that
loves her. I am getting so jealous and possesive because
right now I am just so scared of loosing her...loosing us.

My grandmother is pissed off at me. I don't know why. That
just makes me want to be with Justene even more. I want to
be with her, tell her how hurt, how scared I am. I hate
when ppl are mad at me. I especially hate it when Rita is
mad at me because we were so close until I moved here and I
feel like I just brought so much more on to her. I want to
move out for the next 6 months. Until I have the money to
get a place in Naniamo. I wanted to ask Adri-anne but I
know she does not want some teenage attitude living in her
house. I have no where else to go because I have no family
or anything in this town. I am thinking about finding a job
ASAP and then finding a place to room until I have the
money to leave. Then it would take my at least a year if I
do that because I would have to pay for the place I am
staying. I just don't have the money or the job for that
matter. I don't know what I am going to do financially
anymore. I keep telling my family I am out looking for a
job when really I haven't put a single resume out. I have
spent all of my time with Justene and if I want to get the
hell out of here I have to spend my time finding a damn
job. There are so many things I have to do, that I want to
do, but I just don't have the ambition to find the money to
do these things anymore. I wish I had it like Justene;
money handed out to me at Christmas and my birthday and
then a daddy who will give her money for it when she asks.
She does not understand how hard I have had to fight for
money and she just gets it handed to her twice a year.

There are times when I am very envious of her for that. She
is still very ignorent of the ways in which money plays a
role in life. I mean I need money to survive, where she
needs money just so she can go blow it all. I don't
understand why God made ppl like me. Fools say
that money is not everything, money is survival now a days
so money is everything. Without it you can't survive in a
world that we live in, maybe in a biblical world, but not
now......not anytime soon

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