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Latino Heeeeeeat's Method of Madness
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2001-05-02 17:02:43 (UTC)

IF YOUR INSECURE, PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!

This Journal was an idea sent to me from my friend Rachel
the other day. To me it sounded like a safer and a little
more effeicent way to write down what im thinking about at
that time. This is to me the best thing for me to do cause
i seems everytime i try to tell someone whats wrong or
whats going on, i get a bad reaction or fucked up advice.
Theres alot of good things about my friends and the friends
that accompany them, but all in all there tolerence for
my "ways" and behavior is very low. So i write in this
journal i call "Latino Heat's Method Of Madness".

The one word i can use to describe my
attitude about my life is dissapoitment. Through my whole
life ive had numerous opputunities to better my current
situation. May it be through money or women or education,
the ways and means have always been more than at my
disposal, but ive never used em'. This has affected me my
whole short life. My decsion making process has always been
curtailed by my fears or insecurities about what i might be
missing out on or what might happen to me if i do this or
that. I cant hold a job or a girlfriend and once i get one
or the other, i take em for granted. This is my life in a
nutshell. My life will ultimitley be decided by my fears
and past decsions. Too bad because when i look back on my
life a couple of years ago, i had so much potential to be
one of those kids in school who you hear on the
annoncements everyday acheieving another great feat, or one
of those popular students who always seem to have a smile
on thier faces and luck in their grasps. It may sound like
bitching, but this stuff has haunted me for years and has
caused me to be bitter and very angry at those who are, as
i like to say alot, mo betta. If i had just took the
spanish class, if i wouldnt of quit the team, i i wouldnt
of said the things i said to her, if i wouldnt of took the
break that wasnt needed. These questions kill me and break
me down almost to the point of self-mutilation day in and
day out.

The one thing that isnt so fucked up in my
life is music. I love almost every type of music you can
imagine. I love a lil bit of jazz, i dig some of them old
time blues, i appreciate the hard work of pop artits, and i
can jam out to some R&B or acoustic stylings any day of the
week. The One type of music i really enjoy is soft, acoustc
rock though. Theres something about the sounds and pain in
those guitiars and voices that i can relate to. Most of
these songs are about heartbreak, loss of a loved one,
underachievement, all of which i can relate to at the best
level as the next person. Artists like Matchbox Twenty or
early Creed songs, or some of the foo fighters and incubus.
The best is of course Lenny Kravitz and Nirvana. They reach
me like no one else can. "Cant get u off of my mind" is
probably the one thing that got me through my this past
winter. Every Nirvana Song i listen to has some meaning on
what ive done in the past. I just cant resist a good melody
ridden song. Dont get me wrong though, i love hard nosed
rock as much as the mext guy. Rage, Papa roach, Ataris,
Disturbed, Manson, early and some new bizkit, NO KORN
(sorry), lit, godsmack, old time aerosmith and a lil punk
are some of my favorites. Punk like ramones punk and clash
stuff. Those are the things i listen to get me hyped up and
into the mood.

Love is good. Love is great. Love can
bring you up and it can damn sure bring ya down. Love is
something that i have craved in my life for years on end. I
cant ever remember a time where i didnt have a love
interest or possible love goddess in my life. From almost
1st grade theres either been a girl i liked, or girl i
needed to be with. It took me several years to get over
some, and some i dont think ill ever get over. Girls with
names like Heather, Eliza, Karen, Jeanine, Jacky, Rosa,
Teri, Mandy, Jessica, Rachel, Leann, Alicia, Ashley, Maire,
Jennifer, Heather(god rest her soul) and countless others.
These women and basically every girl ive ever come in
contact with have caused me to become depressed and very
insecure about my looks, my "game" and at one time my
sexual prefrence. Dont worry, im straight and i always will
be. But they all had one thing in common, one big thing
that will always kill me for the rest of my life. The only
thing they all wanted from me was friendship, not a
relationship, just friendship. They all had no interest in
going out with me, they just wanted a close, or sometimes
distant, relationship with me. GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!!! When you
fall in love as many times as i have and come to this
realization, you think to yourself what the hell is wrong
with me, am i just that ugly, or am i like one of those
guys who only hangs out with girls. NO!!!!!!!!!This cant
be, why am i destined to be just "the friend" of the girl
that i love!!!???!!! The one and only thing that makes me
cringe in fear is the thought of another girl-guy
friendship. If only these realtionships consisted of daily
sexual encounters, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh that would be great. The
encounters ive had have been so heartbreaking, ive missed
school days, left jobs, broke off friendships for certain
points of time and cussed out parents. All these things,
school, work, money, parents, brothers, sisters, theyve all
been just pawns in my lil game i like to call "the
heartbreak hotel monopoly". In this game, you are me and
you try to balance the most imprtant things in your life
while trying to recover from constant heartbreak. If you
reach the end of the road(true love and success) you get
nothing, just another trip down the same road youve just
completed. How fun, huh? This is me folks and all in all it
sucks ass. Peace, lata.


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