the wanderer

doo-hickey nonsense
2002-02-21 10:26:16 (UTC)

20th anniversary.

20 years ago on this date, my mother gave birth to her
first son. I would pay anything to know exactly what was
going through her mind on the 21st of February back in '82,
let alone the ten months prior. She's told me many times in
words that can be collectively translated into "I didn't
want to have any more kids after your three older sisters".
I'm sure of this fact, as this is part of what has always
fueled her animosity towards me. Although I do have a
younger brother, her feelings towards him have been and
always will be much more sympathetic, due to the health
situation(s)that arose during his first weeks/months on this
earth. I actually brought up this theory years ago, in the
most mature and calm manner I could. All I can remember was
my brother sitting there at the table listening to all of
it, without giving any input, and my mother ending up in
tears, which for my brother and I was now a rare site. She'd
turned into our father in many ways, and what pissed her off
even more, is that she knew it deep down.

Anyway, although I no longer like celebrating my birthday,
it does bring up a personal level of gratitude every year,
since I assumed long ago that I'd most likely not live to
see 18!