Ralph the Wonder Llama

The Silver
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2002-02-21 00:59:43 (UTC)

Lawn Gnomes are after me

The lawn Gnomes are after me. I don't know what to do. What
is there to do? Buy lawn flamingos and wait... But you don't
know about them do you? I suppose I have nothing better to

The Lawn Gnomes live in a subterranean continent beneath the
Earth's surface. They tunnel up to our world and pretend to
be made of plastic. Did you think people would actually buy
those things? Oh sure, they look all cute and... wait no...
most of them are ugly. Well, they look pretty stupid and
harmless. Dumb grins, pointy hats. Little do you know what
happens at night. Those dumb grins, made to fool innocent
passersby, turn maliciously evil. And do you know how pointy
those hats actually are? Very dangerous weapons there...
They come out at night to terrorize the nocturnal (like me)
and vandalize mailboxes. They're trying to take over the
world. We'd better be careful.

The only defense against the senseless lawn Gnomes violence
are pink lawn flamingos. Someone may argue that these lawn
ornaments are just as silly as gnomes. They would be wrong.
The flamingos are Valiant Pink Warriors, striving to protect
us from the predators of the underworld. I have an army of
them in front of my house... or I would if my mother
wouldn't get mad at me. She doesn't understand. I think
she's in league with the gnomes.

We had a substitute teacher who looked like a lawn gnome
once. Someone even made him a little orange hat out of
construction paper. He wasn't very pleased. But he was
pretty nice compared to some of the other weirdos that have
stood at Mrs. Joyce's podium. She's sick a lot. Or maybe
she's just tired of our class. I think that's what it is.
For some reason we always get the idiot subs too. We're
supposed to be the smart class and we get scary people in
fish nets with red leather skirts telling us the Florida is
one of the Thirteen Colonies. (By the way, it definitely
wasn't and we ought to know... we live there) That was a
scary year.

But it was fun too. In a scary way. *sigh* I remember those
days... when I only had one demonic teacher... how nice...
She was just a lesser demon too. Nothing to worry about, not
really. I mean, sure, she wouldn't hesitate to deduct twenty
points from your grade because your name was in the wrong
spot on the paper, but at least she taught us a thing or

I'm just babbling again. I do that often, I've noticed. But
nothing happened today at all that anyone would care to hear
about. But just to keep up appearances, proceeding are a
number of random things that happened to me today:

1. Tried and failed to memorize lines for theater skit. The
point: never try. I'm playing a drunken, and neglectful
mother. I'm not doing it very well. I guess i just don't
have the "drunken" look down. I'm more of a "psychotic"

2. Decided that going to French Competition is a good thing.
We get to miss one and a half days of school, and its
excused, to go up to Orlando and compete in French.
Technically I'm still categorized as low level even though
I've had plenty of French. It'll be fun.

3. Decided that I no longer care how we do at the math
competition saturday. I know, it seems like I'm in a lot of
competitions, but this doesn't count. We never really do
very well, but we have fun making fun of the people we do
happen to beat.

4. Banged head on desk multiple times when thinking about
next week. We have everything due then. One long English
presentation. I don't even understand the instructions, let
alone how I'm going to do it. Our theater skit, which i have
previously mentioned, and random history tests. I don't know
why, but I never seem to know about history tests before
they happen. It makes me sad.

5. Contemplated repeating dream. I fall into a pool of red
JELLO and am eaten by a giant blue fish that looks
surprisingly like John Cleese. I asked one of my teachers,
who brags about being able to interpret dreams, what it
meant. She blinked and told me I was insane. that's not

6. Pretended to have something to write down in a diary.
Totally faked it. Did an awful job. Shhhhh! Maybe no one
will notice.

Ralph the Wonder Llama

"If Christmas trees were people and people were Christmas
trees, we'd be covered with tinsel and put in the living
room while the trees opened our presents."- Norton Juster