The Nightshade Princess
2002-02-20 22:39:53 (UTC)

Despite all my rage...

I am still injured, though I was forced to go to
school today. It only made things worse, as far as my foot
goes... now it hurts again, more so than it ever did, and
it's swelling once more. Usually, I heal so quickly it's
insane - the strawberry gashes on my wrists that I place
there when I have nowhere to put my anger close in a matter
of a day or two. Indeed, the injury was nearly gone until
today - if I had only had the time to lie down again and
heal... but that was not to be.
I saw my councilor today, and she and I had another of
our "spiritual discussions," ones which exceed the bounds
of general school psychology and enter the realms of auras
and souls and being at peace with onesself. Really, the
authorities of the school would roll their eyes at what we
say to each other and how we understand. She agrees that
it may be better that I leave father's house, as Shadow has
done. I realized that I will indeed kill myself if I do
not leave this toxic environment. I surface from my rest
with "bad thoughts," I feel them so much more intensely
when I wake, I feel destructive to my very core. Sometimes
I wake and weep, and others I simply wake and lie in my
bed, struggling either to rise or to drown myself once more
in sleep. I cry so often now, with little or no
I had to end this entry abruptly a few hours ago, for the object
of my frustration (father) just walked into the house. I personally
would rather keep my mysteries as I have done so well in former
My sensitive ears are currently being assulted by an extremely
high pitched whine that is being made by the tiny refridgerator in
the computer room. Most people never hear the high-pitched whining
noises my ears gather from electronics and mechanical items of all
sorts. I always have been able to hear things my parents never
could. I recall hearing the extremely high or low pitched sounds
lying in bed at night, or being out somewhere and asking my parents
what they were, but my parents could never hear them, so I stopped
asking eventually, thinking it was all in my mind. I know now that
it was not and is not now. When I close my ears, the sounds vanish.
This particular whine, however, is becoming rather painful. My
lovely sixth sense is strengthening, much to my delight and dismay -
such things always have two sides. I must go now, but know that I am
in slightly better spirits than when I began.