HiDDeN JeWeL

Life as I know it, or atleast how I thin
2002-02-20 22:38:13 (UTC)

Wash it away..

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I
never had any problems. It never fails to cross my
mind, that maybe if I would have done this, or if I
wouldn't have tried that then maybe things would be
different. Like, maybe right now if things wouldn't have
been the way they've been for so long I'd be happy. I
mean, I can't help but think about things like that, it
seems as though all everything did was go wrong. I get so
sick of wondering though, but its as though you can't help
but always think with that "what if.." in the back of your
mind..

There are so many things I wish I didn't do, so many things
that I wish I hadn't tried. So many things that if I
*could* I would just drop them and never even think about
it again, but I can't .. I just can't help it. Like once
you do it, it doesn't leave you. It stays with you .. and
once you've done it and enjoyed it, and never really had
put forth an effort to stop you or help you, you just quit
caring. You do it because you like to, and so many other
people are doing it to, so its suddenly okay.

There are so many people that have just came into my life
and changed me. And really, the most recent ones have
changed me for the worst. I can't blame it all on them,
even though I would like to avoid saying any of it is
actually my fault, but if I hadn't been willing, they
wouldn't have had that big of an impact on me. I'm so much
more like them, how I said I would never be.

I had never anticipated getting drunk or getting high would
be part of my lifestyle, or something I'd do on occasions.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I was going to
be good friends with these people, and at this time I would
have done all of this I would have laughed in your face. I
had so many opportunities last year to actually do it, and
I didn't because I was scared to and I wanted to be good,
so I ran from it.

Now, I realize I didn't even start any of it because I
wanted to do it, I did it because it was accepted by them
and they all did it. I felt like that if I didn't do it
when they did they would never fully accept me. Well, I
did it, and then NEVER did fully accept me, all I did was
hurt myself, and give myself more problems.

For so long I've never actually been able to keep a friend
for a period longer than 2 years. Friends fight, I know,
believe me I know .. I've been through it all so much. But
I've never really known the feeling of a best friend. I've
never fully been able so say, there she is, thats my best
friend, she'll stand by me through thick and thin, let me
cry on her shoulder, I can tell her anything and she won't
judge me, she always listens, and she'll never tell a soul
what I tell her, she's practically my sister. For so long
I've yearned to be like other girls and be able to say that
about someone.

It always used to be like me feeling as though they were my
best friend, and them thinking of someone else as theirs,
so there I was the third wheel, always out of place. I
finally found my place where I belong. I can finally say
what I've always wanted to say "I have a best friend, there
she is, her name is Courtnee" And it feels so good ..

When I was saying how I sometimes want to just sit down and
count how many people actually care, or atleast how many I
think do, you dont know how really tempting it is. But I
know that there are some, and I shouldn't worry about it so
much.

I worry about so many different things and sometimes I wish
that I could just stop. Like never worry again, never have
to come to school and wonder, who's going to be mad at me
today? Whats going to happen today? Is someone going to
make me have a bad day? I just want to quit .. and I think
I've done so much better than I used to be. I used to be
so worried about the acceptance of others, and what THEY
thought about me. Now I realize, it doesn't matter what
THEY think of me, its what I can do with myself and how I
feel about ME. I should do what I KNOW is right,
regardless of what they want me to do. I should make me
happy .. and maybe, maybe if I try that I really can pull
through, and truly make me a better person..




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