a little piece of me
2002-02-20 22:36:08 (UTC)

i'm back

i still can't remember what it is that i was going to write
about last time, but something else is going on. i wasn't
going to write about it, but i've been feeling it all day,
and it's really getting to me. i am filled with this
overwhelming sadness. it's just breaking my heart. i felt
it when i first woke up this morning. it's so much
stronger now. i'm not sure what it means. i don't even
know what brought it on.

i guess i just feel so sad because of who i am. i've
screwed up so much in my life. i just wish i could let go
of those things, and forgive myself. i think forgiving
yourself is harder than forgiving someone else. i just
wish for once i could feel good enough for someone. i
know, i shouldn't be that way. i should accept me for who
i am. it's just so hard when no one else will accept me.
heather is great about it, but she's hundreds of miles
away. what is my problem? why can't i make and keep
friends that live closer to me? i know i'm not the most
cheerful person on the planet, but i don't think it's
realistic to be happy all the time. it seems that the
people here are that way. i'm going on spring break with
two of them soon, and i really don't want to go. i just
know it's going to be an aweful trip. i know this because
of the people i will be spending the trip with. if i try
to do something on my own, they won't let me. i like doing
things by myself. they think there's something wrong with
me for being that way. is there? there must be. i just
wish i knew what it was so i could fix it. i guess more
than anything, i just wish i could accept myself.

i sound so stupid today. i don't know what my problem is.
maybe tomorrow i will wake up and feel just fine. i sure
as hell hope so. i've got a doc appointment friday. i
don't know what to tell him about the medication. i've
been about the same, with or without it. it doesn't seem
to be helping. maybe i should just tell him that.

alright, well, once again i'm done. take care everyone. a
big hello to heather, scott, and lester. scott, if i don't
talk to you, please email me and tell me how it went
today :) heather, i'll talk to you soon. lester, thanks
again. you're too cool.