emmychloe

the random confessions of a teenager
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2002-02-20 17:46:51 (UTC)

friendships and shit

well here i sit, in front of my computer. bored out of my
mind. tonight, one of my best friends, cali, is coming
over. but if she's coming over, then why the hell do i
always feel like i don't measure up? yeah, out of the two
of us, i'm the shyer, quiter one, but i'm only like that
around her. god, she's so fucking intimidating. whenever we
go to clubs or parties, or even just over to someone's
house to sit around and get wasted or shit i feel like
she's constantly looking at my outfit and she's like "that
top's not low-cut enough." "those pants could be tighter."
god damnit, i'm not a slut like her!!! i dress for me, i
dress for comfort. i don't dress to hook up with random
guys while my boyfriend isn't there, like her.
even the two girls who i'm closets to in my life i could
never talk to about the raging emotions flowing through my
head. they don't know about me. i mean, yeah, they know the
surface stuff -- like my obsession with jim morrisson,
james dean,, and that sort of stuff -- but they don't know
shit about ME. is that being selfish? wanting your best
friends to know who you are??? this guy at my youth group,
who i speak to only when i see him, like four times a year,
saw the scars on my arm and i know he didn't believe me
when i said my cats did it -- but my best friends didn't
even notice the fucking marks. he just gave me a hug and
was there for me when i needed him. why is it that a guy
two years older than me is someone that i can relate to and
talk to, but i can't even bring up the nerve to talk to
my "best friends" about anything other than superficial
shit.

damnit, i just want someone who i can TALK TO!!! i hate my
friends, i hate my life, this whole world is fucked up. its
amazing what a teenager notices about the world, isn't it?

and on top of all this, i'm supposed to be getting footage
for my film over this week, but my film-partner has yet to
call me. damnit, doesn't she understand that we have a
deadline? PBS doesn't exactly WAIT for their documentaries.

as my friend used to say: QUID FACIT?!?!?! (latin for "what
are you doing," but sounds like "quid fuck it")...shout it
out, go ahead -- its such a tension reliever.

on a more positive note, i'm listening to my Rent
soundtrack!!! talk about amazing music. i gotta put on some
girl rocker shit to pick me up...maybe i'll go get some
Garbage....shirley is always a good person to hear after a
long day. shit, i just realized -- its not even 1 o'clock
yet.

damnit!!!


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