Courtney's Pages
2002-02-20 09:23:24 (UTC)

She actually waited to see if I..

She actually waited to see if I would say good night and
that I loved her. Im sorry but if she has been cursing at
me all day and saying fuck you to me, I'm not going to say
taht. I dont know if I do anymore. It just pisses me off
and maybe I am being selfish and maybe I dont want to let
go of one of my camp people. but to make up her fucking
mind right after she had this problem with CJ is bull shit
and thats how I feel and that is how I will continue to
feel. Just knowing that she wants to run away from it has
made me lose a lot of respect for her. I did run away once
too and at that point in my life I didnt respect myself. I
dont know what to do I'm just glad I was being honest. I
didn't run away when she asked me. When confronted about
it, I was honest. Before I would have run away, but I
guess I am growing up. I could have just never answered,
forgotten it was there, but I didn't. I talked to her and
although I am even more pissed off perhaps, I did talk to
her. there are other factors.... sure there are, like
you need more ppl to stay if you are forming close bonds
with these people. They would be there in a heart beat to
live with you. its just like highschool Kelly, you and
mary. so much for your other factors, like money.... you
need more money but renting a beach house for the summer
and working a shitty boardwalk job is going to get you taht
money when you have to afford the cost of living. sure...
other reasons my ass. you make me mad. I dont like being
lied to either. its okay to be weak its okay if you are
going to run away, but at least have the balls to admit it
and not lie to someone who used to be there to listen to
you bitch about your old roommate and would just listen to
you when times were hard. what about that? I used to love
ya girl, but you gone and fucked things up when you lied to
me Kelly. So when I was worried about you being mad at me
two days ago, I guess I shouldn't have wasted my time.
thats what it was. it was a big waste of my time. oh
well, they say people come and go but friendship never
ends. we'll see what happens, but right about now Kelly, I
am thinkin you are just one of the people.

so dont even bother take as much time as you want. I may
not be here when you decide what you're gonna do. I dont
care either way anymore its your life. do what you want to
do, just know that you are going to make a mistake. just
like all of the ones you have made already this year like
at school with that guy. you are going to make an ass out
of yourself and then you will be sorry. you've been doing
it all year what makes you think its going to change now.
yeah so what I'm bitching about something that doesnt even
make sense to me. Im pissed off that she would bash my
camp my home because she couldn't find anyone to freakin
hook up with. hormone girl needs to chill on that one let
me tell you. its the place I love that changed my life and
to hear someone reduce such a wonderful thing to that, I
cant even put into words how that feels. It just really
sucks to the point where I wanted to hurt her so bad that
she would feel it all summer at her fucking beach. I love
camp and its a place no one can understand unless they have
been there. I would have to say that camp probably changed
my life to the point of saving it and introducing me to God
again. It was such a rough time I was going through, and
after I got back from camp, everything was different. I
wanted to change and do better for myself. I had a purpose
and a reason for living. I didn't want to cut anymore and
I didn't. Nothing that my shrink said had anything to do
with that. She felt like the bad guy. at camp I could be
myself and people liked me for who I was. there wasn't any
bull shit about not being in the in crowd or anything like
that. you were just you and God loved you and he was alive
and he was working for you to be with you and he was on
your side. So if you had all of these revelations at a
place, and someone reduced it to being about hooking up
with boys and thats it, wouldn't you be a little upset
too? Or even a lot upset like I was? When I talked to her
I stayed calm and collected, this is just the aftermath of
what I am feeling after our convo and I guess it is a good
thing that I am venting and being immature here rather than
telling her to fuck off the way that she basically told me
to do. After our convo, do I still think she is running
away, yes I do. Do I think that she will come back,
probably. Do I think our friendship(if infact it is one)
will be the same, hell no, I can feel that right now. I
lost so much respect for her when I realized how much power
CJ has over her when they never dated. When he never gave
her any reason to feel so attached. I can understand if
they had had a relationship and something had happened, but
they never had that. So I lost a great deal of respect for
that girl. What can I say, Kelly. YOu let me down. You
bashed the place that I love more than the world could ever
know. I love that place as much as I love Eric. That is
home, Coatesville is where my house is, but that is home.
You reduced it to something compared to the dating game or
a hippie commune where all that matters is hooking up with
some stupid boy. I dont care what anyone thinks, I would
still be working at camp if my best friend and boyfriend
weren't there. I really admire Erin for being able to do
that. Sure Eric is a big part of my life, but if we fought,
I wouldn't run away from him and camp, the person that I am
now would talk to him and work things out. Sigh I have
been writing for almost a half hour and this is all I
have. I guess that gathering the thoughts takes a while
but still. I should be in bed, but when Kelly IMed me I
didn't want to run away. I answered truthfully and told
her exactly what I felt. I even admitted that maybe I was
being selfish in wanting her to come back. At this point
she can do whatever she wants as far as I am conceerned.
It really doesn't matter much to me anymore now that I have
had my say and one of you poor online readers that just
happens to stumble on this entry is subjected to reading at
least some of it if not all of it. If you reach thus far,
I'm sorry I know I am only babbling on about something that
you cannot possibly understand, unless you are a bccer, but
what are the chances of that? Anyway I keep on babbling
and now I am reduced to two and a half hours of sleep if I
can even fall asleep. Who knows, to tell the truth I think
sleep is way overrated. Well anyway I am going to go and
smoke one and then get some shut eye hopefully. I really
hope no campers see this, they will really lose respect for
their counselors whether they are campres at my camp or
another one. Well going to bed


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