J_Addison

Questions of a social creature...

I want to slam the door like always... so instead of doing
what will have me meet people, I close myself off more than
ever.

"I'm above them."
"I'm above stupid human games."
"I'm beyond it all."

But I'm so consumed in them.

I want to be like all of them.

I want to feel needed and have friends and worry about who
fucked who and fight with my girlfriend.

BUT I DON'T.

I've been there before. I don't want it back.

First, there were the failures...20 or so girls that wanted
nothing to do with me. Twenty or so rejections.

Then the successes were actually worse;
Allison dated me out of obligation,
Stephanie dated me out of boredom,
Whitney tried to date me out of boredom,
I used Jessica,
Dawn used me,
Becky and I "dated" out of convenience,
I used Jessica again,
And Jodi was, at best, a disaster.

The way these things all turned out, why do I ask for more?

Another layer of thoughts I don't need?
More to worry about?
Something to hang on to?

Something to make me feel worth myself?

Oh-ho, Callan. The latter is the proper.

The reason I feel I need to date someone is that I don't
like myself enough to admit that I'm OK. If I need to have
someone else around to prove my own worth, perhaps I need
to rethink my own values.

Perhaps my personal philosophy dictates that I haven't any
worth. It would seem true...I don't care about it either,
apparently. But I should still understand it.

Working backwards is hard.
I have no worth to myself...why?
Better start by asking what has worth to me.

Hmm...what has worth to me?

Tough question. Impossible question.
'haps I should think about it.