Nellie

fucked up
2002-02-20 01:18:26 (UTC)

i am so fucking stupid it..

i am so fucking stupid it pisses me off. im serious. it
isn't even remotely fucnny. i asked people to reply. like
it was a big deal to me. wich it was. i have no idea i
just needed to feel that someone was actually taking an
intrest in me or that i was helping someone. i guess i
just needed a reason to be doing this. the only reason i
am doing this is b ecause it is suposed to help me. im not
saying that it isn't helping me. what i am trying to say
is that i am doing it for me and it feels really fucking
wierd to be doing something just for myself. i understand
that most people do things for themselves all of the time.
actually thats a lie. i don't understand that at all.
whats the point of life if your making yourself happy but
just fucking everyone els over. i don't undersand at all.
but then again wtf is the point of trying to help everyone
els when you feel like shit. im a prime example that that
life isn't fucking worth living. ok so back to why im
stupid. (and no not just because i sit here and write a
paragraph between the begining and the end of a
sentence/thought) i asked everyone to reply, and was hurt
when i didn't get any. well then brad had told me that he
replyd to a entry and i should read it. so i went and
checked my hotmail inbox. not there. so i checked my
junkfolder to see if it was accidentally thrown in there.
it wasn't. well what the fuck. so i went and loged on here
and it said i had 13 replys. wierd as fuck. i had never
realized that. and i was having people reply and not even
knowing. well one of my friends who also has a diary on
here wrote. he said that he "really enjoyed, for lack of a
better word (not word for word) reading your(my) diary"
just a couple of days ago i replyed to one of his entrys by
saying that i ":really.....well i can't think of what
exactly to say but...enjoy reading your diary" anywaze i
don't know why i wrote that. im sure no one really cares.
it just seemed ironic to me.
Matt is really great. i feel like we've been slightly
drifting. i think its just because i don't talk alot
anymore. i havn't been actually telling him everything on
my mind like i used to. It was really really nice. now im
like trying to stay away from myself. i do that alot.
rose is coming over. we have started having girls night
out on tuesday. i'm off. later




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