2002-02-20 01:08:59 (UTC)

i dont know what it is about me

..that i just cant stay still,
i keep thinking maybe someday i'll make this all up to you
and maybe someday i will."

thats my song, yeah, and song #1 on richards cd. how come
i feel so close to him right now? i certainly dont want to
fuck him over again for the 5 millionth time. brent was talking to
me a lot today. his insight is amazing, based on the very little bit
i tell him. except his standpoint isnt so agreeable to me.

he says :
Caroline shouldnt even be in the picture because we're not
right for each other no matter how much we try.
Richard's a rarity, genuine, and he doesnt want to see me
even try to be with him again ever because he said he
doesnt want to see someone so good get fucked over, and
even if I make my best attempt, i'll fail and if I fail, i'll break
his heart. If I ever decide to completely change and become a
better person, then maybe I would deserve him.
Matt's the one for me, even though he hates him, because
he's just like me. He thinks Matt is innocent as far as
intentions go, that he doesnt try to do the things he does
but its just how he is, and also how I am. We're both too
dramatic and too hurtful for other people.

now claudias opinion is to get completely rid of matt,
because i will never be able to be a good girlfriend to
anyone or make any relationship work as long as
subconsciously i'm just biding my time til we get back
together. also she said if richard makes me feel better
about stuf and makes me happy then "what the fuck are you doing?"

i dont like change and i do not want to hurt her. i dont
know what to do because shes so great but why does it seem
like we have both invested so much time and effort into
something that seems to be going nowhere very slowly...
shes so fucking great and i wanted things to be perfect but
i dont think they'll ever be perfect, i think things have
gone beyond the point of that ever being possible, and so
have things with matt. but i also refuse refuse REFUSE to
ever hurt richard again because i love him so much and i will not
hurt someone who is that good of a friend to me and i just cant
let myself tell him how i feel again because i always fuck up and i
love him too much for that.

fucking a i dont know how i get myself into this shit.
brent makes so much sense but i want things to work with
her and i dont want to hurt richard and i dont know why im
so fucked up.
i guess im guna take a nap before i go home.