What to do about what?
Confusion. It's been a while since I actually have written
here. It brings back memories. Ones that I want to remember
but I know I shouldn't. So much though, do I miss the past.
Things have gotten worse. It's strange how I can make
decisions that I know I shouldn't make right now. I just
miss the past. All of it. I don't like new things. I hate
them. I'm close to finally moving out. I want out. But I
wish I could go back to when I would sit in my room
thinking about how I lost everyone. Instead of how I am
now. Bringing more people into my life to lose. This isn't
meant specifically to anyone. It's just what I need to say.
I'm trying to write again, not caring what people think
when they read this. But it's too hard. I wonder, I worry.
But I I don't care. I miss my past. I do, really. I wish I
could go back to, Saturday. When Sabrina said that I should
go to my grandma's house. It's when it all began. It's when
everything changed. I want to take it back, but I don't
know exactly which parts. I miss my old friends that I have
lost. I miss talking to certain people. But I guess things
are suppose to be better this way. Why doesn't it feel like
it? Why does it seem worse? Why can't I go back to last
year? When I was closer to being...me. But I lost myself.
And I don't think I'll ever find myself again. It feels
like all that happened was me. And now it's gone. Gone
forever, to be thought of during a weak moment. I miss
William. I miss Aaron. I miss Andy. I miss Jeremy. I miss
Nathan. I miss Eileen. I miss Luke. I miss Stephanie. I
miss Trent. I miss the old. I miss what I liked. I miss
what I needed. I feel like I lost it all. I have gone to
far but have missed so much. I need to take a step back &
just look at everything. Before it's too late. I wish I
could go back, not to change things, but to keep them. Make
things clear to people. For example someone in my life mad
a desicion to leave me. Because he misunderstood what I
said. I tried because I thought it was what he wanted. He
couldn't stand me. But I tried to be someone for him. I
made the mistake. I thought if I was who I felt then I
would lose him. Because I never felt as extreme as I made
it seem. I wish for another chance. To prove things right.
But I regret now because there is no way to know.
I'm bored. There is no...not what I miss. It's all my
fault. I'm sorry to those who's life I screwed up. If you
just let me, I would make things right for you, for us. Not
right, but the way we know we both want it to be.
No one can bring me back.