SueLynn

Everyday Happenings
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2000-10-15 04:41:00 (UTC)

20000/10/15 Sunday Morning..

20000/10/15

Sunday Morning
12:06

Well RK and I are still at it. This is getting really upsetting, he
seems to think that I should be there all the time and it is not
going to happen. I have been cooped up in this house for almost a
year. I went out to the club meeting, yes I stayed later than I had
intended but it just felt so good to be able to get out again and
talk of something other than M's murder. It was hard enough going
through the funeral and the trial and hiding in the house to stay
away from the press and all the stupid questions people ask. So to
go out for a change and talk to people about anything other than that
felt good. It felt good to even for a few moments to feel normal
again. Okay so I had a few drinks and without eating it hit me, but
I was not stupid drunk, just a little more than I usually drink.

Damn I emailed as soon as I walked in the door to let him know I was
home and what had happened. I even apologized for losing track of
the time and being late. I will not kiss his behind asking for
forgiveness, it happened. Then he says the next day he has nothing
to say, Okay sorry I bothered you, that is that, don't ask me to
just brush it aside and say treat me as you will. You don't want to
talk, okay I miss you, yes I am miserable without you, but you know
it won't be the first time it has happened, won't be the last and
life goes on. I cannot live my life exclusively for him, I have to
go out and pick up the pieces, yeah sure that is why I am writing
here. I miss him, and instead of being out doing what I would like
to do I have been sitting in that chair being miserable all day, and
I am going to be off here before he gets home just to be able to
avoid another confrontation with him. How can two people love so
much and still have so much conflict between them over such stupid
things.

Well he has his side and I have mine, maybe someday we will be able
to meet in the middle but I have a feeling that it won't be today, or
tomorrow. Hell I might not even make it out of the hospital Tuesday
and then he won't have to worry at all. They way things have been
going around here, they will have me on the table and operating. Nah
chances are it is nothing to worry about and they are just being over
cautious to protect their backsides.

So my dear, I have done all that I can, I have apologized your
rejected that and when you hurt me with that remark and I withdrew
from the pain, you suddenly think that just because you want to talk
it is over, no it isn't I have had to many deaths in the past few
months, suffered to much pain, and rather than suffer anymore I would
much rather sit here alone and withdraw from it all. If you are
alone no one can hurt you, you cannot feel that pain again.

I wish for once we could go a whole month without this stupid shit,
but we can't and I accept that, we love to deeply, care to much, and
are so easily confused by each others reaction to things. So I will
crawl back into my chair, turn out the lights and stare into space
again and try to sleep, for in sleep the time passes and the pain
eases.

I will be back to work soon, then the hospital on Tuesday, then home
for a few days to heal. Maybe then I will figure you out but not
today for the pain is still to fresh to deal with.

So this is another one of those long days and endless nights. After
dealing with the murder of my child you would think that I would be
use to them, I am not, and never will be. The only thing that I can
do is survive, that is all that is left.


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