The Nightshade Princess
2002-02-19 06:33:45 (UTC)

God damn this noise inside my head

My left foot is painted in all most alarming colours I
can imagine, even since my injury on Valentine's day. I
have fallen into the most awful of moods, finally lashing
out at my father and his friend, though I meant no
rudeness, she saw it as such. She has not been on my side
recently, nor has father, but that is normal. My younger
brother, since he has moved in, has been extremely
disrespectful. He's been threatening me, calling me a
bitch, and telling me to suck his dick, which I would be
more than obliged to CHOP OFF... damn chauvenistic pig. As
usual, father fully defends his actions. I actually told
mother that I did not wish to live in this house any
longer, and this is true. I am simply not certain whether
or not I want to move to HER house yet. Gods forbid that I
show any emotion... Father enjoys filling my mind with
horror stories about how life is going to be even worse
when I leave the house. If I am going to be miserable all
my life as he says, then why am I still alive? If it's
going to be so dull and so miserable, then I should shoot
myself and get it over with. No, LesTaT, my beloved
prince... I am not actually going to do this, but it is the
attitude that he gives me. If there is a chance I may have
some happiness, some peace, then it is with you.
I am actually thinking of leaving this place. It is a
horrible thought, though this house has been a posioned
prison, a gilded cage edged in razor wire, since father
took up scuba diving, found a "worthier" companion, and
tossed me aside like the porcelin doll I am. He tells me
that I am exactly like every other teenaged child on this
earth, that there is nothing distinct or remarkable about
He refuses to acknowlege any intelligence in me, and
often makes comments that essentially mean I am stupid
and/or "ditzy," like all the other blondes, and he is the
one who made me blonde in the first place, stripping and
bleaching my hair until all it's natural shine and body was
gone completely... all for reasons that falter and vary
every time it is discussed. It's odd, though. All my
councilors tell me that I am, indeed very intellingent, and
that there is something special about me (father says the
only special thing about me is that I ride the short bus,
though I do not). My English teachers told me how talented
and intelligent I am last week, or the week before, after
they began to get very worried for me. My own father can't
even put away his dislike for women (he blamed feminism for
the reason my brother disrespects and threatens me), in
order to acknowledge that I am not a faceless grey thing in
a mass of others that are the same.
He denies everything I say that I feel, yet he cannot
possibly know me, cannot know what is truly in my heart.
Sometimes he tries, but this is rare. I know now why
mother left, for the perfect horror of it all is that HE
KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES! He does not understand that his
words draw blood, can not see that the roughness of his
manner only bruises. All that he can see is the cerebral -
cause and effect. All that he sees is this: every woman
he has ever "loved" has turned on him, left him, hurt him.
He cannot seem to see how HE hurts THEM first. Perhaps
it's a psychological defense... if he saw - truly saw -
then he could only blame himself and would fall into self-
loathing, for father never COULD take blame. I loathe
him. I loathe my brother. I loathe myself. I may yet
move to mother's though it would be like the mythical
Christian Hell for the several weeks it would take to pack
everything up. Ah, he extra verbal abuse I would be
subjected to... and in an already fragile state of mind!
I actually do think that I am having a nervous
breakdown. For the past several weeks, I have been crying
with little or no outward provocation. I find myself
trancing off so much more now. Nothing means anything
anymore, and the only thing that can reach me now is love.
I find myself wandering about the house - limping actually,
due to my injury, and having no idea where I am going. I
eat and drink, but my body craves more than food and water,
and I don't know how to satisfy the hunger within me that I
cannot define and cannot sate. I must leave now... my
dears are sand and numbness is my new perfume.