Insensitive Kitten

Insensitive Kitten
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2001-05-01 01:17:13 (UTC)

...i've been a bad bad girl....

"I've been a bad bad girl. I been careless with a delicate
man and it's a sad sad world when a gurl will break a boy
just because she can. Don't ya tell me to deny it. I done
wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins. I've come to you cos
I need guidence to be true and i just don't know where I
can begin.
What I need is a good defense cos I'm feelin like a
criminal and I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned
against because he's all I ever knew of a love.
Heaven help me for the way I am. Save me from these evil
deeds before I get them done. I know tomorow brings the
consequence at hand but I keep livin this day like the next
will never come.
Help me but don't tell me to deny it. I gotta cleanse
myself of all these lies till I'm good enough for him. I
got a lot to loose and I'm bettin high so I'm a beggin you
before it ends just tell me where to begin."

Fiona Apples' "Criminal"

I couldn't resist sharing that with you...for me those
lyrics are pure epiphany....I say them to myself at least
once a day.

Odd-ness once again.

Errg all damn day my mind has been playing its little games
with me....last night it was soft anxiety (soft meaning it
didn't get to the point where I think everyones staring at
me and thinking horrible thoughts about me even though I'm
in my room alone). I can't even remember what I was
stressing over....
But today I have some pent up saddness...and it will come
out soon if I don't try to figure out why I'm sad inside
and deal with it.
How do I know I have pent up saddness?
Cos when I meditated today (a ritual of mine that I do
everyday at the very least) my mind traveled to a day dream
which made me cry. It was about me dieing and no one caring.
Or something along those lines.
Normally my meditation goes brisquely along and I feel
releaved afterwards.
But it's when I awake in tears that I know there's
something I'm surpressing.
I keep trying to figure out why I'm upset but nothing's
comming to mind.

So...I shall review my day aloud with you all...although
I'm quite sure you don't care.

Here we go...

Woke up from a kinky dream to the phone...
Got in the tub and had a vanilla bath...
Watched part of a really good movie...
Got food...
Ate in the park with Jenni*...
Got ice cream...
Came home and watched a taped episode of the Oblongs...
And here I am...

Nothing bad

But I haven't taken my depression meds till late at night
for a few days...

So maybe that's it....

I have no fuckin clue but I hate that I have to go back and
retrace my steps just so I can remain somewhat sane.

To make matters worse I think I'm comming down with a
slight anxiety induced depression.

I don't normally get anxiety till late at night though...

Which proves I'm upset...

God damnit...this is like one of those things where you
can't remember someones name and it bothers you all day
until you figure it out.

Grrr

My back is sticking to the wall.......it's too damn hot.

But yayyyy I'm back to one meal a day....I binged
yesterday...it was just one of those days where you have to
eat everything in site.....

Or is that just a sign of an eating disorder?

I have no idea.

Where's my damn period? I don't care whether I get it or
not it's just these cramps....I need them to go away

They're contributing to my headache.

Why am I writing so much? People are gonna think I have no
life.

I do....it's just a horribly pathetic one.

But I intend to fix that later....when I'm less lazy.

"You are the weakest link...goodbye."


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