Confessions of a Broken Heart
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2002-02-18 23:54:18 (UTC)

The Guilt of a Moment

What can I say about this past weekend except that it
was not the heaven that I thought it would be. I fell so
much grief and pain over the hurt lives of my friends that
I just have to vent it. This is my vent. This is my
catharsis. All that I know and feel will be etched into
the non-existant pages of an intangible journal. It's
funny how such a serious matter can be thrust before the
eyes of thousands and not a one can see the faces that I
know. . . the ones that I've changed. No good came of it.
Of course, I've have to to start at the beginning. What
is a story without the beginning? The Quiz Team went to
Orlando for a tournament. We went to the tournament, had a
hard fight, and walked away near the bottom of the list.
We were only next to last for one reason: we beat our
Second Teir Team. At any rate, no one was feeling good
about our results. We went out that night for dinner.
Someone ordered a pitcher of beer and everyone grabbed a
glass. I say everyone, but one person held out and decided
not to drink. That person wasn't me, even though I knew in
my Heart-of-Hearts that it was wrong and that no good
would come of it.
I drank. . . yes, I drank too much, but not enough to
go overboard. I had my wits, but they were greatly dulled.
I could feel my mouth becoming numb and my legs start to
sway under the movement of the floor. I figured, "Ah,
hell, everyone is doing it. I'm out of town. No one will
care. I've earned this." The pressures of the world, my
job, my school-life, the burdens that I had to bear all
those months, were lifted off of my sholders. I didn't
think about them. Not once, I say! I was free from all
worry and angst. Yet, I knew that no good would come of
One person in the group decided to get a limo and take
it into downtown Orlando. What in the world was I thinking
when I said that it would be a good idea? A bunch of
sloshed kids taking a limo to downtown. This was insane.
Yet my mouth said, "Yes, let's go. It'll be fun." I urged
on the others to join in. I urged them - me, the one with
the cool head that always rationalized everything. Where
was my over-analyziation then? Where was my reserved
nature, my cool head? I tell you, I know why. I know why I
rationalized this the way I did: I was free and no one
would stop the adventure from unfolding. My friend, the
one who didn't drink, said that it was a bad idea. He knew
that no good would come of this.
Off we drove into the night. Loud music blaring, people
staring at us as we drove by, the alcohol running its
course. It all felt so right. I felt so fre. God, I wish I
could tell you how free I felt. I wanted to cry into the
heavens, "My Lord, what have I been missing!" I felt no
strings. I felt no weights. I only felt the sweet release
of my bonds as that car drove into the night. As darkness
fell upon the city, so did it fall upon my mind. No good
would come of this.
We walked down the streets of Orlando, tipping our hats
to the passers-by. Never once did we think about our
parents, our professors, our life back home. By God, we
would live this night! May the tears of angels fall upon
us that night, for we had no care in the world except for
our own selves. Not only were our minds foggy, our wills
bent, and our own ears deceived against the warnings of
that good night, but we were proud in our ignorance. . .
an ignorance from which no good would come.
As we entered the club, all seemed right - all of the
time passed in a flash as we danced, holding onto a life
that wasn't our own. The ringing of the music is still in
my head, even though the thrill is gone. I can still hear
the pounding of drums and the wild motion of the bodies
dancing. Hedonism? I would say not. . . not at that time
at least. I knew why they had come - for the same reason I
had: to escape the heavy burden of the world. Twisted
bodies. . . motions of hands. . . the movement of
hips. . . how alien they were! How exciting they were!
Never would the dance end. . . until the night ended and
life came into the full-frontal view of us all. We knew
that no good had come of this.
One man in our group went missing. We went to the limo
to find him. He was there, sitting with newly found people
that had approached him on the street. There they sat in
the limo. They were not the glamorous people we had found
along the streets. These were not prostitutes, nor were
they nuns. They were the street walkers of the night, the
ones who looked for love in the empty faces of strangers.
They were hurting, they were looking for love. But the
love that they craved was as dark as the night that they
had walked into. Our friend invited one back to the hotel.
From that point on, I slept. The incredible high that I
had found during the night was gone. What a weary soul I
was. My heart was empty, my mind a blur, and my body one
massive ache. Many things happened after that, but my body
had taken its fair share of abuse. I collapsed into the
bed, swearing that I would never again walk down the path
that I had chosen. The night had taken off its mask of
beauty and shown us the true face that it posessed -
guilt. There was no good. It had come to this.
Life has come back to claim what was lost. She has
found our weights by her door and now that we had come
back, she places them upon us once again. This time, she
puts on a crown of thorns with the name "Guilt" etched
around the stems in an ink of blood.
As we await the decision of our college judiciary
board, we find ourselves lost in the seas of memory,
struggling to find the reasons for our irrational
behavior. What made us do it? What drove us to display our
foolish intents to a world with whom we have no
association? Many may claim that life has put on the
burdents and that it has come to this moment where we must
throw off our loads, just as I had done. Others might say
that time is short and full of adventure. A few will claim
that there is no wrong or right; only the motives of today
are what counts.
What do I say? I say that I am sorry. I say that I was
wrong for my deviance. I say that the consequences should
be accepted, and so they shall be. I should have been a
bigger man and put a stop to the insanity that came into
our minds. As a leader, I knew what the right course was
and I chose to ignore it. God Forgive Me. That's all I can
say. No good came of it.