Visions Of Life
2002-02-18 03:47:31 (UTC)

I Close My Eyes And See Fire


Im watching this Marti Gras special thing and they have
drag Kings. Yay! There is something so amazingly sexy about
women dressing up like men..Yum. Takes sexuality to a whole
new level in a way..

I am a bit aggitated for no apparant reason.. Not in a bad
mood at all.. Feel kind of anxious and panicky, even tho I
am happy. Slept most of the day even tho I was a bit
lonely. No apparant stress in my life. Well, thats not
true. I have the stress of uncertainty as well as the
stress of being psycho. My mood is still somewhat stable
tho early this morning I fell into a pit of self loathing
where I totally hated myself. I am still there but not as
extreme. I cant help feeling this way but no one seems to
understand that. For everything I like about myself, there
are 10 thing I hate. I sometimes feel I am annoying and
bitchy and deserve to be alone because I am a burden. I do
not know why I feel this way but it wont go away.

I did have an amazing weekend. Had a great dinner and great
after dinner festivities.. I am happy. I am in love.

Friday night I wrote an anti poem while falling asleep. I
forget it now. Kinda. Evenif I remembered it, it would stay
in my brain. I just find it amusing that I write in my

Hmmm.. Now that I think about it, my agitation started at
my family breakfast. I felt ignored because no one would
acknowledge me even when I was speaking. I felt so alone
there. Hell, I couldnt even get my brother to look at me
tho he cant help his short attention span. I had a good
breakfast but I wanted to get the hell out of there. I
think I am just way too sensitive.

Now that I evaluate my mood, I am sad. I am not even
getting joy out of creating. I just want to sleep sleep
sleep and not wake for a few days. Hmmm.. being happy and
being sad at the same time is an odd feeling..

Now I am rambling. Im going to work..