Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-02-18 03:47:31 (UTC)

I Close My Eyes And See Fire

2-17-01
8:30pm

Im watching this Marti Gras special thing and they have
drag Kings. Yay! There is something so amazingly sexy about
women dressing up like men..Yum. Takes sexuality to a whole
new level in a way..

I am a bit aggitated for no apparant reason.. Not in a bad
mood at all.. Feel kind of anxious and panicky, even tho I
am happy. Slept most of the day even tho I was a bit
lonely. No apparant stress in my life. Well, thats not
true. I have the stress of uncertainty as well as the
stress of being psycho. My mood is still somewhat stable
tho early this morning I fell into a pit of self loathing
where I totally hated myself. I am still there but not as
extreme. I cant help feeling this way but no one seems to
understand that. For everything I like about myself, there
are 10 thing I hate. I sometimes feel I am annoying and
bitchy and deserve to be alone because I am a burden. I do
not know why I feel this way but it wont go away.

I did have an amazing weekend. Had a great dinner and great
after dinner festivities.. I am happy. I am in love.

Friday night I wrote an anti poem while falling asleep. I
forget it now. Kinda. Evenif I remembered it, it would stay
in my brain. I just find it amusing that I write in my
sleep.

Hmmm.. Now that I think about it, my agitation started at
my family breakfast. I felt ignored because no one would
acknowledge me even when I was speaking. I felt so alone
there. Hell, I couldnt even get my brother to look at me
tho he cant help his short attention span. I had a good
breakfast but I wanted to get the hell out of there. I
think I am just way too sensitive.

Now that I evaluate my mood, I am sad. I am not even
getting joy out of creating. I just want to sleep sleep
sleep and not wake for a few days. Hmmm.. being happy and
being sad at the same time is an odd feeling..

Now I am rambling. Im going to work..