The Nine Faces of Dave
2002-02-18 01:45:38 (UTC)

it's not as bad as it seems

I really don't appreciate my life. Sure, I have good days
and bad, but hell, that happens to everyone. Truly,
though, I frequently can't see how good things are for me.
On the whole, my life is pretty good. People are decent to
me, my situation at school is better than most people's,
and my friends are good to me. I have more than most
people, and yet I still complain on here about things.

It's mostly frustration that compels me to bitch and moan
on this thing. I'm not sure what causes this frustration.
My guess is that I place disproportionate importance on
what I lack, i.e. employment, popularity, love.

I don't consciously care about having a job, and popularity
is useless to me. So for whatever reason, I've attached
all this importance to my relations with the opposite sex.
It's getting ridiculous, though. Somehow I've become
convinced that having a girlfriend is the true measure of
my worth as a human being. This has to stop.

I'm not sure why all this has come about. Who is really at
fault here? You can blame high school, or you can blame
the WB, but there has to be some personal motivation.
Question is, what is that motivation?

I guess it's mostly a matter of companionship and some sort
of human interaction. Some emotional need or desire isn't
being met in my life. I can't pinpoint the root cause
here, but it probably has something to do with the way my
life has played out. Things basically sucked until my
sophomore year of high school, and I came to view dating as
some sort of mark of success.

I used to think of it that way. Then I realized, I don't
have to prove myself to anyone except me. I was despising
myself for not having achieved. Once that became clear, a
short relief followed. For a while, dating made absolutely
no difference to me.

But now, I realize what I really want. I've got emotional
wants and needs that aren't being met. I am weak; I admit
that. And it hurts, being alone.

I've got to end this while it still makes some sense.

Anyway, I read a book on alienation, which offered a very
interesting perspective. It kind of made me look at things
differently. Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought. Things
could be better, but they really aren't so bad.