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2002-02-17 23:21:12 (UTC)

i dont know and i dont care if i ever will see you again..

i am sooo over people aaaaaagggggghhhhhh.......why does
everyone have to be so full of shit??? no one is straight
foward and honest about anything and AGH i am no better
than them what am i doing, im pissed because hes sitting
there watching his phone ring and then she calls and im
sitting here watching the phone ring. i dont want to talk
to her. i dont really want to talk to him either. fucking
whatever im so over people just being stupid.
i want to talk richard into skipping tomorrow since my mom
thinks i dont have school. or i'll just tell her later.
cus he really cant afford to miss any school at all, and i
shouldnt miss anymore either. even if i wasnt mad,
caroline works at that new job tomorrow and matt is too
good of a kid to skip school hardly ever, even though he's
out til 4 in the morning lying to his family what the fuck
is going on in my life i am so confused with people
changing and turning into assholes like chilling with adam
last night, it was fun though we all watched sweet
november. i should just break up with her, im a terrible
girlfriend anyway and im not what she wants even though i
think what we both wanted was once the same, now its at
this weird point where we didnt realize it and we both
thought the other cared less so now its like past that
point of it progressing the right way and im feeling more
and more like shes just another richard too good for me too
nice to me better than i deserve or even want and all i do
is feel like an asshole all the time i feel like an asshole
when she does nice stuf for me and she blows me away
sometimes cus she does these amazing things that i would
never ever think of and its not fair to her i dont know
how to do that stuf i dont know how to be happy and she
gets mad that im so unhappy and she gets mad that i still
am so hung up on him and our lack of closure and i dont do
anything good for her i just upset her and whatever its not
even like i dont KNOW im doing it, i just dont know how
not to, like i'll say or do or think something and then
think "im an awful girlfriend" like last night richard and i were
holding hands and really there isnt anything wrong with that cus
i always used to hold ashleys hand or robins or chazs hand
but i felt bad about it just cus i dont want to be being a
bad girlfriend and or leading him on at the same time and
god i really hate myself i dont even make sense and
whatever im so angry and bitter and unhappy and thats all
there is to me im guna go out and find something
distracting to do and decide if im guna go to school

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