Timzgurl

TimzGurl's Lil World
2002-02-17 22:40:34 (UTC)

2/8/2002

Trying 2 keep some stability 2/8/2002
I am starting this to hopefully help me keep what little
sanity I have left. There's nothing left for me to do. But
live. It's hard to explain these things because it's beyond
complicated. To start off:
I am a 17 year old white female from South Carolina named
Nicole.

I am dating a wonderfully sweet and loving guy named Tim.


And I, as obvious.....am in high school.


I do not know when my depression and unhappiness began. But
it is obviously in place now. My sister suggested to my
parents that I see a psychiatrist. That's really not what I
want to do. There are very few people I can discuss all
things easily and comfortably and openly. Tim at this
moment is the only one.

As of recently my parents and I have been having a fight.
It's hard to explain the motivation behind it. My life
hasn't been exactly a hard, poor, no money, no attention
one. Just little things, that eventually add up to a
screwed teenager. And that my friends, is what I am.


I wish I could explain more but that would make this entry
twenty miles long (seriously no joke).


But about this recent occurance. It came down me wanting to
literally just move out and leave. I am 17, no job, and not
really anywhere I could go. I always thought I could count
on my older sister Nyree. But when I called to talk to her
she point-blank said she wouldnt take me in.
Hmmm......there goes the belief in her I've held for my
entire life. She always says she'd be there for me.


I have had suicide thoughts, and not attempted it but just
inflicted pain upon myself. That is over with. I don't want
death. I am not just an extremely unhappy individual.
Tonight I face-to-face told my dad:

this isn't home to me anymore. I don't feel comfortable
here. He goes: and you do at Tim's apartment??? My answer:
Yes! I feel safe, protected, loved, and cared for to the
best of Tim's ability.


Also a recent event was my parents finding out I was having
premarital sex with my boyfriend. They immediately took me
to the doctor for birth control. Well an issue that came up
in the arguement tonight.....why is there no at the least,
vocal engagement between my boyfriend and I. And I thought
about it. Unspoken and no ring, but I still believe that
intention is there between him and I. We are however both
young right now. The only difference an
actualy "engagement" would change between he and I, would
be an expensive ring.


But anyways, I eventually intend to see him later tonight
but first I seriosuly need to eat something.


-Lost in Life-




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