Nellie

betrayal

i feel verry betrayed. I went to a rave. eric was there.
he didn't say anything to me. i just wanted to talk to him
and see how he was doing. that was too hard for him. i
can understand and it is my fault. i know this.
Mars knew he was going and perposefully didn't tell me.
this isn't a big deal because i don't care if he goes or
not. im going/not going none the less. but the fact that
she perposefully didn't tell me. like it was some secret
that i couldn't handle. i don't understand. and for that
matter rose knew too. i don't know that she thought that
it was a big deal. i know that i had no idea that it
mattered so maybe rose didn't think it mattered anywayz.
mattt was at the rave with me. he was really great. the
thing that bothered me most about the fact that eric
wouldn't talk to me is exactly that. it bothered me. why
the fuck should it bother me?? why should i care what he
thinks or how he feels. i have nothing to do with him.
but i want to. not in a boyfriend girlfriend
relationship. not at all. i am glad that thats over. not
that it was bad. it wasn't at all. it was actually
wonderfull......at first. but then it just because ruitine
to talk to anyone. damn. matt knows that im writing in
this. he just realized. why does that matter?? because
now he is going to read it. wtf does that mater?? (by the
way i am asking and answering for my benifit) because no
one has been reading this. or at least i don't think. and
now he is going to. thats fine. hell by the morning he
might have forgatten. i miss rose. but i feel betrayd by
her too. she was bitching that i don't ever spend time
with her, yet when i ask and really want to she wont.
karen just doesn't seem to give a shit. i was about to say
especially about me but im not sure. she said once that
she had had a crush on me for a while. the hole time i
thought she hated. me. Brad doesn't seem to respond to the
world around him. i would say that he has no idea about
the world around him but he does and i know he does. but
he just pretends he doesn't. i don't understand rose.
she says that i dont spend any time with her. That im too
wraped up in my boyfriend. but brad doesn't have any
problems with seeing me. i see him everyweekend. Granted
that that might have something to do with the fact that we
both go to thr raves, but that isn't the only time that i
see him. he calls and asks if he can come over. i cant
remember rose ever doing that. she just bitched about it.
she keeps saying that if you arn't doing anything to fix
your problems you can't bitch aobut them. that sounds like
a good rule except that rose is a hypocritical bitch. she
says that but then turns around and bitches. i don't know
why i just called her a bitch. it just makes me mad and i
don'ot know why. it isn't like she realizes it. she
thinks that she has done all that she could. so untill i
talk to her about my point of view i can't bitch about her.
Garrett and mars are going to be moving in together. im
verry verry happy for them. i need to get my own place. and
fast.
MAtt is great. we took my little brother to the rave. he
was so wonderfull to him. Matt was shoing him what to
wear, how to house step, what to expect, and many other
little things that made me feel wonderfull. not only does
matt care about me he cares about my family and friends.
thats more important to me than him caring about me. i
think that one of my friends is pregnant. but i don't know
for sure. its just a wierd feeling i have. i don't know
wich friend. hopefully not rose. she doesn't need that
right now. niether does mars. I know it isn't karen. but
that doesn't leave anyone els. actually yes it does. i
just started talking to my old friends chelsea and
allison. i've known them for years now. I don't know that
i even really want to be firends with them. they are
somewhat shalow. but right now i feel that tthe whole
fucking world is shallow. it could actually be hillary
too. oh shit i hope not. that would be like being
stranded in a field while it was raining shit.....very very
messy.
i saw robie(erics friend) at the rave. i almost started
crying because i couldn't go up to him and say hi let alone
give him a hug. that didn't really matter that much
considering that i never was close to robie or anything.
it was just the principal that i couldn't talk to someone
becuase they wern't my friend. they were my ex's. i am
starting to feel that way about rose. like she isn't
really my fire.d i don't knw why i am being so bitchy
towards rose. oh fuck me to tears. yes i do. i am mad at
her for showing me that i can't live with myself. so now
im trying to make myself diiiiiiiscredit her. like
saying 'it doesn't matter what rose says. shes just
a "hypocritical bitch"' wtf is that?? well damn i think i
need to go to bed.

fuck off, and good night and sweat dreams:)

-im fucked today, tomarow, forever

p.s. eric i will have you tedyd bear for you soon. along
with a letter hopefully. not that you give a shit anywayz.

oh fuck this its just working me up even more. later