Dear Felicity
2002-02-17 04:06:00 (UTC)

feb 16, 2002

man its been ages since I have written on this damn thing. I
guess its about time. I have only been thinking all of this
shit in my head for this week, i should get it out of me
onto this damn computer. man, where am i even supposed to
start. this whole joe thing is just so ridiculous. I dont
even know what the fuck to do. its like one minute i am so
hurt and fed up i wanna forget him and just start moving on
with my life. then i really look into my heart, and i just
dont see how that is possible. how are u supposed to start
getting over someone when you are still so deep in love with
them. last night was the worst. before i talked to
christine. i was just a mess. she really did make me feel
better (partly because she just totally understand me) but
the other half of me was jsut so empty. that is exactly hwo
i feel, so consumed with hurt, hate, anger, embarssment anf
guilti cant fucking deal with it. i wake up everyday just
hoping i am going to feel better, but i dont. i just dont
understand this. i thought he and i were fine. i thought
things were finally make sense. for the first time in my
lfie i was feeling better about my friends. work was going
well. and things with joe were great. but then before i came
here, its like he just broke down. he wouldnt even explain
it me. he just sat in his living room crying. i guess it was
his way of dealing with all of it. i think he realized that
he loves me, and doesnt want to hurt me, but he knew there
was something about his fucking jen bitch that was enough
for him to think that he didnt want to be with me anymore.
nad trust me, i have been in that position. when i was with
adam, i truly felt that i could really like him. i mean,
things were so simple with him. there wasnt distance to keep
us apart. and he was just so nice to me. but then when joe
came up that weekend and i was with him, i started to
realize that i was just getting caught up in the fact that
adam was physically there, and that was it. then when joe
got back from jamacia and told me about that fucking girl
robin, i dont know. i just suddenly realzied that i could
lose him. my whole world fell apart. life without him
wouldnt be a life, it would be a time wasting period of hurt
and pain. there would be no happiness. and now, its like i
am really in the position of never being with him agian. and
i cant tell u how scary that is. its like, i am sitting here
miserable, cant even eat because i am so sad. and he is out
having a great time with his friends. how the hell is that
fair?? how can he not feel this way. that just shows me
something. HE DOESNT EVEN CARE. he could lse me for good,
and chances are he is going to, and its like he rather spend
this weekend up at delaware with his friends, then come here
and hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok. who
does that?? isnt he scared? isnt he hurt? doesnt he wake up
in the middle of the night worried that things may never be
the same. i am sitting here thinking about how he has hung
out with that fucking girl for the past two weeks. how he
has had a good time with her, touched her, kissed her, adn
then came home and talked to me, and told me that he lvoes
me. what is that? how can he do that? how can he do that to
me?? the one person int he world who he supposdley loves.
that isnt love. i dont even know waht the fuck that is. i
dont knwo what i am going to do tomorrow, idont know what i
am goig to say. i just need to know, that no matter what
happens, no matter what the final decision is, things are
going to be ok. i am going to be ok. if joe isnt meant to be
the one, someone else is. there is always going ot be
someone else that is going to come along and make me as
happy as he used to. he may not come tomorrow, but ONE day
he will come and things will be ok. I am going to be FINE.
and if i ever feel like giving up, on myself and my life, i
just need to knwo that i have my frineds this is the first
time in my life that i am not alone with all of this. my
friends are right there with me. well at least christine is.
and that makes the world of difference, if this is the end
of me and joe, that doesnt mean in any shape or form, it is
the end of ME.